When Real Life Intrudes on Fiction
by wolfmyjic
Summary: What happens when our favorite duo and the whole squint squad are put into real life situations? This fiction is a series of oneshots that will explore this concept. A Gold Wolf Production
1. Something Stinks

**Goldpiece and WolfMyjic **

**presents**

**a GOLDEN WOLF production**

**_When Real Life Intrudes on Fiction _**

**Summery: What happens when our favorite duo and the whole squint squad are put into real life situations? This fiction is a series of one-shots that will explore this concept. The purpose of this fic is to make you laugh. So if you have any ideas, please let us know.**

**Rating: Mostly K+. Some 'T', and maybe a 'M' or twothrown in along the way.**

**Disclaimer: Goldpiece nor myself own BONES or anything to do with the show. The plots are ours so they are** **© Golden Wolf Production** **2006.**

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**Something Stinks**

Special Agent Seeley Booth entered the Jeffersonian. He gave a slight nod to the security guard. "How are you today, Agent Booth?" the man asked.

"Can't complain." Booth moved on down the hall. The case he and his partner, Dr. Temperance Brennan had been working on was solved, and he just needed to pick up her reports. As he made his way to the elevator, someone walked out of on of the many side doors. "Just the woman I wanted to see," Booth said drawing Brennan's attention away from the folder in her hands.

"Booth, I wasn't expecting you here today. Is there another case?" she glanced at his hands, but didn't see any folder.

"What, I can't visit my favorite Anthropologist just because? No, actually I stopped by to pick up those reports on the Johnson case."

"Oh, they're in my office." She offered him a smile before stepping into the open elevator with him. Booth offered a smile in return as the doors closed.

The small space of the elevator felt even smaller to Brennan with the presence of Booth in it with her. She glanced over at her partner. He stood straight, as he always did, his hands casually in his pants pockets. He was looking directly ahead, but to Brennan his eyes seemed to be staring at something much farther off. His jaw muscle worked as he chewed a piece of gum. Booth glanced at her for a second, and then turned back to the wall. Wow, thought Brennan, he's really thinking hard about something.

Brennan gave up watching Booth and turned her eyes back to the folder in her hands. She opened it up and began to read the papers inside. Suddenly, something reached her nose. At first, she ignored it, but it grew in strength. Brennan wrinkled her nose up and cut her eyes to Booth, but he still wouldn't look at her. He just remained there with his eyes forward as he chewed compulsively on the gum. Brennan tried to breathe, but the scent was a little too strong. With a small cough, she covered her nose, her eyes watering.

"Booth, did you flatulate?" she accused.

"What?" Booth asked, snapping his head around to look over at her. "No." Brennan narrowed her eyes at him.

"Well, I smell something."

"You smelt it, you dealt it," Booth said, returning his eyes to the back of the doors.

"Well, you denied it, you supplied it." The unexpected come back made him laugh.

"Oh, so you know that classic kid come back but you don't know how to play Rock-Paper-Scissors." The elevator chimed it's stop and before Brennan could answer the doors opened, allowing them entry into the medico-legal lab, as the two stepped out, Hodgins stepped in. He coughed, then turned an angry gaze onto Booth.

"Man it is not cool to squeeze one off in an elevator. I have to ride down in that thing."

"I didn't do it," Booth said, throwing up his hands. Hodgins glared at him as the doors closed. He turned to follow after Brennan still denying the fact. "I didn't do it!"

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_So who did it? Goldy and I want to take a vote. Please tell us when you review who you think did it. Who passed gas in the elevator? Was it Sweet and Sexy Seeley Booth? Or was it Temping Temperance Brennan?_

_TBC..._


	2. Belching Contest

**A/N: The votes are IN! Goldy and I asked, "Who do you think passed gas?" and alot of you answered. So as of today (10 Aug 2006) this is the official standing:**

**Booth - 8 votes**

**Brennan - 4 votes**

**Both - 2 vote**

**racoon, hybernating after retiring HIS erotic dancing job - 1 vote**

**Someone in lab previously dropped a capsule of methylmercaptan on the floor and either one of them stepped on it and broke it - 1 vote**

**Thanks to everybody who voted!**

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Angela Montenegro walked out of her office and heard an unusual popping noise. She was curious about it's source when she overheard Hodgins and Zack talking. 

"Dude, that was so weak, like maybe a three. You need to put more bass into it. Get it to reverberate off the walls."

"It's not as easy as it looks. Give me a banana and some soda and I'll blow your ears off. Well, maybe not literally."

Angela shook her head. Whatever was going on, she really didn't want to know.

She moved away from her office, deciding that it was better to leave the boys doing whatever it was they were doing. She stopped mid-step when a loud, yet deep sound, like someone blowing on a trumpet and didn't know how to play, reached her ears. Angela drew her eyes together. "Good one," she heard Zack say.

"Thanks, man. It's all about pushing the air fast. The sound has to come from the throat," Hodgins instructed.

"I thought it needed to come from the diaphragm." Zack said. Angela turned around fully and stared at the two. _Is this what I think it is_, she wondered. She watched for a moment as Zack took a deep breath. He opened his mouth and let out a loud, deep belch that made his cheeks flap a little. Angela was clearly impressed, as was Hodgins.

"Wow, that's impressive right there. Don't know if I can beat it."

Angela moved closer to the pair and watched. Her hands rested on her hips and an amused smile graced her lips. Hodgins swallowed a large gulp of air, and then another and then one more still. He held it for a moment before releasing it in a burp that lasted five seconds. Angela raised her eyebrows and nodded to herself. _Not bad._ "Hey guys," she said, as she walked over to them. "What'cha doing?"

Both men stood up straighter and turned momentarily to their work, before facing Angela. Zack had turned a bright red, while Hodgins adopted a somewhat sheepish expression.

"We, uh, weren't doing anything." Hodgins said. Angela raised an eyebrow as she looked at the entomologist.

"Really? Because it looked like you two were in the middle of a belching contest."

"Don't be ridiculous. That's juvenile behavior and certainly not appropriate for a work environment." Zack added. Angela suppressed a grin.

"So what's the prize for winning?" she asked them. Zack and Hodgins looked at each other before returning their gaze to Angela.

"Um, well," Hodgins began. He brought one hand up and rubbed the back of his neck. "The loser has to buy lunch today," he hurriedly said. Zack dropped his gaze from Angela who just smiled.

"Oh, well, in that case…" The artist quickly drew in a breath, filling her lungs with air and then forced it out. The sound filled the lab and almost seemed to reverberate off the walls. Two lab techs that happened to be walking through the lab stopped and stared as a large piece of dust drifted down from the ceiling. "Where are you two taking me?"

"Wong Foos' sound good?" Hodgins asked. Angela just smiled at him and nodded.

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_Was there any doubts? You know us girls can kick ass. I mean, we would never, ever burp like that. :snicker: Yeah, right._

_TBC..._


	3. A Familiar Shuffle

**A/N: Here it is! Chapter Three! What will happen? Read and SEE!**

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The day was warm, with a cool breeze that ruffled though the trees. Booth stood talking with a few agents, but his eyes kept drifting over to his partner, Dr. Temperance Brennan. She had wandered away from the group and now stood with her arms crossed over her chest.

She looked nervous about something. The remains from the site were processed and bagged for delivery to the Jeffersonian, but something still seemed to be bothering her. Brennan turned to look at Booth. He was surprised at the amount of irritation that washed over her face. _What's wrong with her_, he wondered. With a shake of his head, he returned his attention to the other agents.

Brennan shifted her weight from her left foot to her right. She uncrossed her arms and re-crossed them. Booth again glanced over at her, and saw her roll her eyes. _Something is definitely wrong_, Booth thought. He excused himself from the group of agents, and began to make his way over to her.

"Bones, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"No, something is definitely wrong. Now, what's up?"

"How much longer are we going to be here?"

"I don't know, maybe about twenty more minutes. Why?"

Brennan like let out a frustrated sigh, and shifted her weight again. Booth watched her, curious. "Are you sure you're okay, Bones?"

"I'm fine," Brennan said. Again she shifted.

"You don't look fine."

"I _said_ I'm fine," Brennan growled.

"Brennan, if you don't tell me what's wrong, so help me..."

"I have to use the bathroom," she said through gritted teeth. Booth took in her stance and general aggravation and began to laugh. Hard.

"What was that, Bones?" Brennan glanced around to make sure nobody was around, and repeated herself.

"I said…that I have…to go…to the…_bathroom."_ Booth put a hand over his mouth, but the laughter rolled out through his fingers. Brennan rolled her eyes. "It's not funny."

"Yes it is," Booth said. "And I thought I recognized your little shuffle there." Brennan stopped in mid-motion of shifting her weight.

"I don't know what that means."

"Bones," he said between gasps. "You're doing the pee-pee dance."

"The pee-pee dance? I hardly think that's an apt description Booth."

"Apt description or not," Booth said. "It is so what you're doing."

"I am not doing the…the pee-pee dance." The sound of her saying the childish term set Booth to laughing again.

"Yes, you are, Bones. Come on, let's get you to a restroom before you have a boo-boo."

"Geez Booth, what are you, five?"

"You're the one doing the pee-pee dance, not me."

Brennan rolled her eyes and followed Booth to the SUV. "If you say 'pee-pee' one more time," she threatened after he opened the door for her. She poked him in the chest. "I swear I'll break your arm." Booth laughed.

"Yes, ma'am," he said, with a mock salute. Brennan shook her head, and climbed in, relieved to take the pressure off her bladder.

Booth climbed into the driver seat and as he drove away from the site, watched Brennan squirm in her seat. She threw him a few more disgruntled looks as he hit bumps in the dirt road. He tried to suppress more laughter, but was finding it extremely difficult. After about five minutes, they reached the main highway and a gas station. Brennan was out of the vehicle before it rolled to a stop. She walked, bent over, like an old woman in an attempt to make it to the bathroom without an accident. As she disappeared inside, Seeley shook his head.

_I hope she makes it,_ Booth thought and then leaned back in his seat to wait.

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	4. PMS is a bitch

**A/N:holds up award: Goldy and I would like to thank all our fans. Without them none of this….:stops and looks down at notes then back at audience: My bad, wrong paper. We would like to thank Juliette Angel for the idea for this chapter. See, we told you if you have a good idea, we just might write about it.**

Oh, btw, this chapter picks up right after the last chapter. No time has passed.

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Brennan duck-footed her way to the bathroom, trying to make it to the stall without having an accident. She did a little jog as she laid down a seat cover, undid the clasp on her jeans, pulled them, along with her underwear down and sat, relieved she made it. It was the next sight, however that made her groan.

"Damn it." She reached into the pocket of her pants and pulled out her cell phone. With a sigh, she hit number one on her speed dial. After two rings, Booth answered the phone.

"Booth, I have a little problem..."

"What? Didn't make it in time?" he teased. "I warned you about drinking that last soda you had."

"No, it's not that," Brennan replied, her cheeks on fire. "I, um, that is, you see." She stopped, and squeezed her eyes shut. _I'm so glad nobody else is in here_, she thought.

"Well, what is it then?"

Brennan paused, trying to think of the best way to put it. What was the phrase Angela had used a few times? _Something about the ocean_. Oh, that's right.

"I'm, um, surfing the crimson wave, uh, and I seem to be lacking a uh, surfboard."

Booth pulled the phone from his ear and looked at it like it had grown wings. With a slight shake of his head, he brought the phone back before saying, "Bones, what the heck are you talking about? If it's football, then it's the Crimson _Tide_."

"I'm not talking about football," she snapped and he heard an aggravated groan from the other end of the line.

"Then what," he began and then trailed off. Realization finally hit him.

"Oh. Oh. Well, um what do you need?"

"I need for you to go to the store and pick something up. I refuse to use the stuff they supply in restrooms."

"Okay, I have a vague idea of what I need to pick up, but what is it specifically I'm looking for?"

"You know what, just call me back when you get to the store, and I'll direct you, okay?"

"Um, sure," he said, already reaching for the key to start the SUV. "What are you going to do in the meantime?" He glanced over his shoulder before pulling out.

"Oh, I don't know Booth," she said. "I was thinking about doing the Tango!"

"Geez, you don't have to yell," he said and then added under his breath, "PMS is a bitch."

"I heard that."

Seeley rolled his eyes before flipping the phone shut. He continued to mutter under his breath as he searched the roadside for a store. Finding one after only a few minutes had Booth breathing a sigh of relief. He got out of the SUV and made his way into the supermarket. With a quick glance at the aisle signs, Booth made his way to the Feminine Needs Aisle and pulled his phone back out.

"Okay, Bones, what am I looking for?"

"Always slender with wings."

"Always? What is that? Like the product is always reliable? Huh." Booth wandered down the aisle, looking left and right to make sure he wasn't seen. As his gaze darted side to side, he paused to look at a product name. "Depends. Shouldn't it be definitely?" An outraged huff sounded behind him, and Booth turned to see an old lady glaring at him.

His face went red, and he offered a nervous version of his charm smile, before dropping his eyes. "You so owe me for this," he told Brennan in a hush tone.

"What's the matter, Booth?" she asked. "Intimidated?"

"I most certainly am not," he said, straightening his back. "It's just that…never mind. What is it you need again?"

"Always slender with wings. It's in a salmon colored package."

"Salmon? So I need to look for a salmon colored box...Okay, I can do this." Booth got momentarily distracted in his search as he came across some other items unfamiliar to him. He picked up the item to look at it. "What the hell is feminine spray for?"

"Booth, focus," came the answer from the other end. "Always. Salmon package." Booth gave the feminine spray one last look before turning his attention back to his search.

"Kotex, store brand, Always," he listed off. "Always Overnight. Long."

"Slender, Booth."

"With wings, yes I know," Booth said, and then added, "What exactly are the wings for? Do they fly now?"

"Booth!"

"Okay, okay, I'm focusing. Bones, there are no salmon colored packages."

"There has to be! It's a salmon colored package."

"Look, I'm telling you, there is no salmon packaging here!" Booth's volume raised as he got more and more frustrated. At a terrified squeak, Booth turned to see a thirteen-year old girl look at him. He groaned as the frighten girl hurried away from him. "Listen, why don't I get you…umm, these," he said reaching out to pick up a yellow package.

"No, Booth it has to be," Brennan started.

"Always slender with wings," Booth finished. "In a yellow package." The line went silent.

"Oh, well, yes I guess it could be yellow."

Booth rolled his eyes skyward, praying for patience, and muttering to himself. "It's just PMS, it's just PMS."

"Okay, so I'm gonna go pay for these. Is there anything else you need?"

"No, that's it."

"No chocolate or pain stuff, 'cause I'm not going to drive back here."

"No, Booth, that's it."

"Okay then," he said as he made his way to the registers, trying to hide the yellow package.

He waited in line behind an old man who had a loaf of bread, three bananas and a jar of peanut butter. The young female clerk engaged in small talk, while she checked the man out. After the older man left, Booth stepped up and put down his items. One yellow package of Always, a package of painkillers, a 20 oz. bottle of Coke and four candy bars. _I'm not taking any chances,_ he thought. "Did you find everything you needed?" the clerk asked, scanning the candy bars.

"Yes, thank you," Booth mumbled. He watched as each item passed over the scanner until the young woman picked up the Always. She scanned it once, twice and then a third time. With a small smile, she hit the button on her microphone.

"Price check for register 3. Always slender with wings." Booth closed his eyes and groaned inwardly. The clerk looked at Booth with a smile.

"Girlfriend got you on an errand?"

"You could say that, but it's not my girlfriend." Booth wouldn't look at the clerk. He examined his fingernails, looked over the magazines, anything but make eye contact with the young woman.

"Wife then?"

"Nope."

"Sister?"

"Can we just drop this, please?" The clerks' phone rang. she picked it up and listened intently. Once she set the phone down, she turned back at Seeley.

"Three dollars and fifteen cents for the Always." She entered the information into the register. Seeley handed the girl money for the items, collected them and rushed from the store.

Never, ever again, he thought as he climbed back into his SUV. He tossed the bag into the passenger seat, sat the Coke in the drink holder, fastened his seatbelt, and cranked the car up. He looked both ways, and then pulled out of his parking spot. He had just pulled onto the street when his cell phone rang. "Booth."

"Where are you?" Brennan demanded. "This toilet seat is getting hard."

"Don't get all snappy with me, Bones. Thanks to you and your…Always with wings, I've just had the most embarrassing moment ever. Therefore, you can just sit there for another two minutes on that hard seat." With that he snapped his phone shut. He didn't need her fussing in his ear. Not after every thing he had just done for her. He pulled into the parking lot of the small gas station, parked and shut the SUV off. He looked at the bag of items and then the door that led to the restrooms. Booth quickly opened his phone and hit speed dial. "Bones, um, how do I get it to you?"

"What are you, six? Just come in the bathroom and hand it to me."

"Anyone else in there?"

"No. And can you hurry please? I think my legs are falling asleep."

Booth closed his phone and looked again at the bathroom door. Finally he pulled the yellow package out of the bag, ripped it open and pulled out a single pad. With a deep breath, he climbed out, shut the door and began the walk. _Dead man walking,_ he thought gloomily to himself. He took one last look around and pushed through the outside door. Now he was faced with two more doors. One labeled 'Gentlemen' and one 'Ladies'. He swallowed hard, and then opened the one that Brennan was in. "You so owe me," he said, as he entered.

"I'm sure you'll find some way to get even," she said as she reached under the stall door.

"You'd better believe it, Bones." He muttered as he handed her the pad. He turned to leave the bathroom, and the door swung open. As the overweight woman stepped in, she screamed.

"I'm just," he started, but the woman was already swinging her purse at him.

"Get out! Out you…you…_pervert_." Booth threw his arms up to defend himself while trying to get passed the woman.

"Ma'am, if you would stop." However, the woman started a new attack, and this time her purse-_Must weigh 2 tons_, Booth thought- slammed him in the face. Finally he made it out the restroom, Brennan's soft laughing filling his ears.

Five minutes later the passenger door of the SUV opened and Brennan got in. Booth sat, his head back, and the Coke he bought for Brennan pressed to his face. "Thank you," she said softly, after closing the door.

"If anybody," Booth began. "I mean any freakin' body finds out about that, and this includes Angela, I swear I'll kill you." Booth removed the Coke and turned to face his partner. His right eye already beginning to bruise.

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_Tell us, are you laughing out loud right this moment?_


	5. Payback is a Bitch

**A/N: Ask and ye shall receive. A lot of you asked about revenge…and here it is. We hope that you all like it as much as Goldy and I liked writing it.**

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Brennan walked into the Medico-Legal Lab of the Jeffersonian Institute in a surprisingly good mood. After her embarrassing moment a week ago that involved the start of her period, lacking proper items, and Booth getting a black eye from a crazed woman in the women's restroom, she was more than relieved when Booth got called away on a case. One solid week without Seeley Booth teasing her about the incident, although she was pretty sure that she hadn't heard the last of it. Brennan waved to Zack as she made her way to her office.

"Dr. Brennan," a deep voice said from behind her. She turned to see Dr. Goodman coming up to her.

"Good morning, sir," she said.

"I have some reports that need your signature. I was wondering if you could take a moment to sign them." Brennan held out her hand for the reports and placed them on her desk. She reached to her pen cup and picked up an item from it. As she went to remove the cap, she looked at it. A tampon. Slowly her eyes ascended until they met those of Dr. Goodman.

"Good God, Dr. Brennan," Goodman said. "I'm used to the details of the female monthly cycle. If you go through all those,"- he nodded toward the cup full of tampons, - "then may I suggest setting up an appointment." Goodman pulled a pen from his pocket and held it out to a very red Brennan.

"Thanks," she mumbled, accepting the pen, scrawling her signature across the indicated pages. She handed both pen and folder back, without meeting his eyes. Goodman walked out of the office, shaking his head. As he shut the door, she looked back at the pen cup. _Booth_. He was so dead the next time she saw him. Slowly, she stood, taking a moment to ease off the embarrassment before putting on her lab coat and stalking off to bones storage. As she made her way there, her assistant, Zach Addy joined her.

"Dr. Brennan, I have the results back for our current John Doe."

"Have you seen Booth today?" she asked. Zack was taken back by the question.

"No, I thought Agent Booth was out of town this week." Brennan shook her head to clear it.

"Tell me about John Doe," she said. Zack rattled off the results, with Brennan nodding from time to time. They entered the room that the remains are kept in and they both came to a stop. There, on one of the metal tables, was a skeleton made up of feminine pads. Closing her eyes, Brennan let out a frustrated growl.

"Are those," Zack started, but stopped when Brennan glared at him. The boy-faced squint dropped his eyes and left the room. Brennan pulled out her phone.

"Where the hell are you?" she demanded as soon as Booth picked up.

"I'm still in New York, why?"

"I don't know how you managed this, but I swear to God, you will regret it."

"You don't believe in God."

"Figure of speech." She slammed the phone down and began to remove the feminine pads from the examination table, muttering under her breath. _He is gonna get it. He's dead. When he gets back from New York, he's dead._ She stormed from bone storage and back to the examination platform. _If he's in New York, then how did he set his up?_ Brennan looked up at the platform and a though filled her mind. _Angela_. Tempe stormed over to her friend. "Did you have anything to do with this?" Brennan held out a pad to show to Angela. Angela looked at it for a moment.

"Sweetie, generally those have to do with a feminine biological process. That's not something I have the ability to control."

Brennan closed her eyes briefly, trying to control her anger. "I mean," she started slowly, "Did you have anything to do with them being laid out like a skeleton?" Angela looked at her a moment and then busted out laughing.

"You're kidding right? Because that is too funny."

"If I find out that you're working with Booth…" Angela held up her hands in defense.

"Whoa, I haven't seen or talked to Fine-BI agent in a week." A snort from the side caught Brennan's attention.

"Hodgins," she said under her breath. She turned to Hodgins, who was trying to suppress a laugh. She held the pad out in front of his microscope. "I know it had to be you. You're the only other one who would help him. Don't think I haven't seen you two bonding."

"Oh, please. You're making this seem like some grand conspiracy against you or something."

"You want a conspiracy? That's what will happen when they find your body."

"Did you just threaten to kill me?"

"And I'll follow up on it once I have proof it was you." She stalked off the platform and headed to her office. Both Angela and Hodgins looked over at Zack.

"Care to explain?" Zack looked between the two of them and swallowed.

"It would seem someone is playing a few…practical jokes on Dr. Brennan," he told them. "At first she thought it was Booth, but he's in New York."

"So now she thinks one of us is in on it," Hodgins finished. Zack nodded. "But why would she think it was me?"

"Oh, please," Angela said with a roll of her eyes. "Why wouldn't she?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Hodgins looked at Angela, slightly offended.

"The way you and Booth are getting all buddy-buddy when a new case comes up. Plus you're childish enough to do it."

"I am not childish!"

"And now you're going to go pout in a corner."

"Am not!" Hodgins crossed his arms and looked at Angela. The artist simply rolled her eyes and looked at Zack.

"How exactly did Booth talk you into it Zack?" The young assistant looked at Angela, his mouth opening and closing like a fish.

"How did…I mean, what makes you think it's me?" he questioned.

"Well, I know it's not me," she said. "And I know it's not Hodgins."

"Hey, I thought you just said," Hodgins began.

"I said why wouldn't _she_ think you did it," Angela clarified. "I never said _I_ thought you did it. Why'd you do it Zack?" Zack looked between Angela and Hodgins before his shoulders slumped.

"Agent Booth promised to give me tips on talking to women if I helped him. Last time he threatened to shoot me between the eyes." Angela and Hodgins just looked at Zack and shook their heads.

"What else did you do?" Hodgins asked, trying not to laugh.

"Well," he began, but was cut off by Brennan as she stomped back toward them, a small bottle in her hand.

"Who the hell put this in my pocket?" she demanded holding the bottle up so everybody could read 'Midol'. Hodgins gave a short snort, and Angela put a hand to her mouth to cover a laugh.

"Ah, sweetie," the artist began, over her hand. "Are you playing hide the Midol without me?" Brennan glared at her friend before stomping away from the group. She headed away from her office and towards the parking lot. Zack paled and waited for her to be out of earshot before turning to Angela and Hodgins.

"I kind of tamponed her car."

"What exactly do you mean?" Angela asked, her voice heavily laced with mirth.

Brennan muttered under her breath as she strode out to her car. She had a headache, and just wanted to leave for a few minutes so she could get some good coffee. As she reached her car, she stopped in her tracks. Tampons were tied to the antenna and door handles of the vehicle. On the head and taillights, open maxipads were stuck, and attached to the trunk, tied to string were more bottles of Midol. Brennan let out a loud groan that turned into a whimper. Massaging her temples, Brennan turned away from the car and headed back into the building. _I'm going to kill that man,_ she thought. _I don't care if he's involved or not, I'm going to kill him_.

--

Brennan sat at her desk, fingers sitting on her keyboard, but nothing happened. The labs were quiet, and everybody had gone home. A quick glance at her watched told her that it was almost 11 o'clock, and that she really should be heading home as well. After the incident with her car, nothing else had happened, but that fact did little for her headache. Brennan clicked the shut down button on her laptop and bent down to retrieve her purse. As she sat up, she let out a small yelp when something hit her desk. Brennan turned to look at the offending item. It was the most bizarre bouquet she had ever seen, made up of packaged pads and tampons in various colors and sizes. Each was attached to pipe cleaner and bundled like a bouquet of flowers. Her eyes flashing in anger, Brennan looked up into the face of Seeley Booth. Her partner had that infuriating half smile of his plastered across his visage. "You're dead. You are so dead."

"Here I am bring you a bouquet and you're threatening to kill me," Booth said, hand over his heart in fake sadness. "That hurts." Brennan stood from her chair, sending it backward and into the wall.

"I don't know how you did it," she said, coming around her desk. "But do you realize how embarrassing the things you did were?" Brennan stopped in front of him and looked him in the eye. It made her even madder that Booth simply stood there- shoulder to the door jam, arms crossed, eyes shining with laughter. "Dr. Goodman was witness to some of it. And why did you do that to my car?"

"I've been in New York or in the air all day, Bones," he said. "How could I have done any of that?"

"Why you," she started. "I should report you to Cullen or something," she threatened. "Well, what do you have to say for yourself?" Booth's smile widened and he leaned toward her, stopping only inched from her face.

"Payback is a bitch, ain't it?"

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_Keep the ideas coming! And the next chapter is already being planned._


	6. Practically Joking

**_We interrupted your regular life to bring you the following fiction…_**

**A/N: We are so sorry. It's taken forever to get this chapter done. And that's because with Goldy where she is and me where I am…mix in life and it's been hard to catch each other on the net. But we finally got together…and this is the result. Hope you like!**

**Wolfy's Warning: The following fiction contains scenes that may lead to uncontrollable laughter. We ask for your own safety that you refrain from eating and/or drinking while reading this fiction. Reading this fiction while in the presence of others may lead to looks of complete confusion and questions as to what is wrong. _Golden Wolf Productions_ are not responsible for injuries sustain by falling out of your chair or laughing until your sides hurt.**

**This fiction has been modified to fit your screen.**

**Hey Goldy, you think anybody can tell I'm a little hyper today?**

* * *

"Come on, Zack, it'll be funny." Hodgins grinned as he handed the sign to Zack. He looked at it with a frown. This was the sort of thing that others did to him, not the other way around. 

"You do realize that Agent Booth has a gun."

"Yes, but he also wouldn't want to shoot you because Dr. Brennan wouldn't appreciate it. Just do it."

"I don't know..."

"Hey guys, what's going on," Angela asked as she swiped her way up to the platform.

"Nothing," both Hodgins and Zack said at the same time. The younger one of the two quickly put the sign behind his back. The artist looked between the two males and then crossed her arms.

"Why do people insist on trying to lie to me?" she mused more to herself than to either one of her companions. She cleared her throat and held out her hand. "Hand it over, Zack." The assistant stole a glance at Hodgins before slowly handing Angela the sign. "A kick me sign?" she questioned after reading it over. "And just who were you going to put this on?"

"It's all his idea," Zack started as he pointed to Hodgins. "He dared me to place it on Booth's back."

"Tattle tale," Hodgins shot. Angela began to laugh, hard. A kick me sign on Booth's back? He'd shoot Zack...but this was too good.

"Oh, Zack, you're going to need help, and lots of it."

"Help? What kind of help?"

"You just leave that to me. You'll know when to do it. Trust me." At that moment, Booth and Brennan came into the lab from breakfast, bickering as usual. Angela handed the sign back to the assistant and grinned wickedly. As the dynamic duo got closer, Angela stepped toward the steps to the examination platform and proceeded to trip down them.

"Angela," Brennan called out. She and Booth ran to Angela, and knelt down. "Are you okay?"

"I think so," Angela answered, reaching out to rub her left ankle.

"Are you alright?" Hodgins asked, hurrying down the steps, Zack right behind him.

"I'm fine," she repeated. "I could just kick myself for being so clumsy. Tripping over my feet, like that." Hodgins gave her a quick nod, stuck out his foot, and sent Zack stumbling the rest of the way down. He landed behind Booth and reached out with both hands to steady himself.

"Jeez, kid, be more careful," Booth said standing up.

"Sor-sorry, Booth." Zack stood quickly, moving away from Booth as fast as he could. Hodgins looked over at his little buddy and gave him a hidden thumbs up. Booth helped Angela stand, and she clutched his arm as she tested the strength of her non-injured ankle.

"See, this is why I told you not to wear heels in the lab," Brennan said as she looked her friend over. Seeing that she wasn't hurt, she turned toward her office. "Booth, I'm going to need that report on my desk this afternoon."

"I'll be back with it later." He looked over Angela, gave a quick nod when he realized she was okay, and left the three standing there as Brennan went in the other direction to her office. The squints suppressed chuckles as Booth left the lab, the 'Kick Me' sign in place on his back.

XxXxX

Special Agent Seeley Booth walked down the halls of FBI headquarters. He had a cup of coffee in one hand and an open file folder in the other. As he brought the lukewarm liquid to his lips he heard a round of muffled laughing from behind him. He glanced over his shoulder and the agents in question quickly turned away from him. _Something weird is going on, _he thought. Suddenly an idea hit him. He tossed looks both ways, and when he was sure nobody was looking, he used the hand holding the coffee to check his pants zipper. _Well, it's not that_. He took the last swallow of his drink and tossed the cup in a near by trash bin.

"Agent Booth," the voice of his boss, Deputy Director Sam Cullen said. Booth turned toward him. "Care to explain what's on your back?" Booth tried to glance over his shoulder.

"Something's on my back?"

"Yes," Cullen said. He turned the agent around and yanked the paper off. "It seems to be a…kick me sign." Booth took the sign from his back and looked at it like it was a dirty diaper. _Who could have gotten close enough to me to have...oh, Zack is so dead when I get back to the Jeffersonian_.

"Sorry sir, just a little squint humor." Booth crumpled the sign tightly as Cullen watched, amused.

"Booth, may I remind you that you have to turn in a report any time your gun is fired off?"

"You don't need to remind me, but you did just give me an idea." Booth began to smile. It was the perfect way to get back at the young scientist, and he'd be expecting it too.

"I don't want to know." Cullen muttered and wandered off to his office. Booth looked at his watch. Only about ten thirty, I should be able to find a good water gun before heading back to the Jeffersonian.

XxXxX

Booth walked into the Medico-Legal Labs with determination in his steps. A quick scan told him that Zack wasn't in the main part of the lab. "Hey, you," he said as a lab tech passed by. "Do you know where Zack Addy is?" The white coated techie looked Booth up on down before she recognized who he was.

"Yes, sir," she said. "He's in the remains room."

"Thanks." He gave the young woman a slight nod before moving on. He pressed his ear to the closed door. Nothing. _Good, he's by himself,_ he thought. He pulled the water gun from under his jacket. He threw the door open and stepped in.

"You're so dead, Zack," he said and let go with a stream of water. Zack screeched, a rather un-manly sort of sound, and stumbled around the room trying to hide from the continual streams of water that were aimed at him. As he got closer to the door, he panicked, knowing Booth was still standing there. Booth began to laugh and left the soaked Zack alone in the room.

Hodgins watched as Booth walked back into the main area of the lab. He was whistling and twirling a water gun on one of his fingers. Hodgins barely suppressed a laugh, until Booth turned toward him. "You might want to go check on your little buddy, Skipper." Booth chuckled as Hodgins first looked completely uninterested and then hurried off.

"What's so funny?" Angela asked.

"I see your ankle is all better," was Booth's answer.

"Oh, that. Yeah. Nothing a little pain medication couldn't handle. What's with the gun?" Booth flashed her a charm smile.

"Oh, just got Boy Wonder back from earlier, and now that I think about it, it seems like there was more than just one person involved in that little set up."

"Oh," Angela said, looking at her watch, "look at the time. I need to be going."

"Not so fast, Ange," he said as he reached out and grabbed her arm. "If you were kind enough to help Zack, then I'm sure you're more than kind enough to help me out."

"Haven't you made Zack suffer enough?"

"Who says I'm going after Zack? Do you have any black paint in your office?"

"You know, normally I don't but at the moment...why do you need it?"

"I'll just let you be surprised. Now hurry." Booth swatted at her rear to hurry her along. He clapped his hands together, then winced, having forgotten about the gun. Which microscope to use?

Angela returned with a small jar of black paint. "Are you going to tell me why you want it?" she asked handing the paint over. Booth simply smiled at her. He opened the jar, dripped the end of a pen into the paint, and then ran it around the eyepieces of one of Hodgins' primary microscopes. "Oh, that's low, Booth," Angela said, but the smile on her face gave way her excitement. He handed the jar back and they both walked away as voices reached their ears.

"There's no need for you to take a look," Hodgins said, as he and Dr. Camille Saroyan came around the corner.

"Of course there is," she answered. "I'm the boss."

"Really, you've never been interested in gamaphyda before. No need to bore you with the details."

"It's not that I find it boring, and since this is a primary part of the investigation, I want to take a look." She scanned herself onto the platform and walked toward the microscope. From Angela's office, Booth and the artist hid below the window line and watched in fascinated horror. Cam bent to look at the specimen as Zack rounded the corner, dripping water onto the floor. He stopped next to Hodgins. The entomologist looked at his friend in surprise.

"Dude, what happened to you?" The question reached Cam's ears and she looked up from the microscope. All activity in the office froze, the only sound coming from a few crickets Hodgins had in a jar by his desk. Her eyes were rimmed in black paint, like oversized spectacles.

"Well?" Cam asked, turning her raccoon attention to Zack. The young man looked at his boss with wide, worried eyes.

"Um, the toilet exploded," he lied with a shaky voice.

"Well, go get cleaned up, you're beginning to pool." Zack dropped his eyes to the ground and then lifted them to Hodgins.

"Can I talk to you, please?"

"Sure," Hodgins said slowly. He looked at Cam and then started off after his friend. Booth and Angela tried hard not to make a sound as they suppressed their laughter, but it only got harder when Brennan stepped from her office, reading a file. She looked up at Camille, back down at the file, then once more at her boss.

"What happened to your eyes?"

"What do you mean?" Dr. Saroyan put a hand up to her face and felt the wetness from the paint. She pulled her hand away and cursed under her breath. "Someone's going to pay for this." Brennan watched in mild amusement as Cam stomped down the steps of the platform and across the lab. When she was around the corner, Brennan shook her head and then began on her way out of the lab.

"If she finds out that you did that," Angela began, as her and Booth stood up. "You're in so much trouble."

"Me?" Booth questioned. "Hate to tell you this, Sweetheart, but you're in it just as deep as I am." Angela looked at Booth and then took a deep breath.

"So what's the next plan?"

"Next plan?"

"Yeah, your joke kinda backfired," she pointed out. "How are we going to get Jack now?" A wicked smile crossed Booth's face. He clapped his hands together and rubbed them together with an almost maniacal glee.

"Hodgins has that pet scorpion, right? The one in the jar?"

"Yeah."

"That's perfect," he laughed and headed back out to the platform to better examine the creature in question.

Meanwhile, in the men's bathroom, Zack pulled Hodgins to a corner in case Booth came in.

"You have to help me get back at Agent Booth," Zack said as he puddled on the floor.

"Dude, you started this whole thing."

"No technically that was you. You dared me, hence this is your fault."

"And just how do you plan to get back at an ex-Army Sniper?" Hodgins asked. "Especially now that he knows what's going on? He'll be expecting it."

"I don't know," Zack said, throwing his hands in the air. "That's why I need your help." Hodgins scratched at his chin as he thought, his mind running through a list of practical jokes that really weren't practical at all.

"I bet those raccoon eyes of Dr. Saroyan were meant for me," he finally said. "Which means that Angela is in cahoots with the G man."

"So what are we going to do?"

"I have a few ideas," Hodgins said with a smirk.

XxXxX

"Booth, I really do have to draw the line at abject terror," Angela said as she watched Booth handle the jar with the scorpion carefully.

"Too bad, Angela. This will work better than anything else." He removed the jar from the desk, placing it gently into a small box. He then pulled out his newly acquired jar, screwed on a lid and promptly dropped it to the ground, where it shattered. He took the box that contained the gigantic scorpion and hid it in the artist's office. Once it was safely hidden he turned back to the artist. "Now watch a performance worthy of an academy award." With that, he sauntered back up to the platform to wait for the entomologist.

XxXxX

"I don't know about this," Zack said for the tenth time as he and Hodgins made their way down the hall.

"Don't be such a worry wart," Hodgins said. "All you have to do is keep a look out." Zack still didn't look too convinced as they stopped outside the women's bathroom. "Look, just knock on the door if you hear anybody coming." With that, Hodgins ducked into the bathroom and set to work. When he was certain each toilet had been covered with clear plastic wrap, he exited.

"Tell me again how this is going to work?" Zack asked.

"Simple. When Angela goes to the bathroom after lunch she'll get pee on herself."

"And how do you figure that?"

"Again, simple man, women do the stance and hover. Do you really think they touch a toilet seat with their bare bottom?"

"Okay, so that takes care of Angela, but what about Booth?"

"That, my friend is going to require a trip to the local pharmacy." Jack laughed and grabbed hold of Zack's arm, dragging him from the lab.

Angela finally made her way back up to the platform to join Booth as he waited for Hodgins and Zack. They both watched as the two boys raced through the lab on the way to the entrance. Seeley glanced at the direction they had come from and turned to Angela.

"You might want to be careful when you use the bathroom today."

"Oh really, and why's that?"

"I'm betting they put cellophane on the toilet seats." As he finished the sentence, Booth heard an outraged yell come from the bathroom, followed by a string of expletives. He and Angela glanced at each other before watching Brennan exit the bathroom, cursing under her breath, her clothing drenched in what could only be urine.

"Toilet explode?" Cam asked as she and Brennan passed each other.

"You could say that," Brennan snapped. She threw a glance at Booth and Angela before passing by Cam toward her office.

"Do you two know what's going on?" Cam asked, crossing the lab to face Booth.

"Can't say that I do," he lied. "Do you Angela?"

"Nope," she said. "Must be the storm that's moving in." Cam looked from one to the other and then turned on her heels and left.

XxXxX

Zack sighed in frustration as he followed Hodgins through the aisles of the pharmacy. With a loud 'Ha' Jack picked up the item he was looking for. Zack took a look at it and groaned.

"A laxative gum?"

"Yep. We just get a regular pack, replace a few of the pieces with this, and then, voila, the special agent's a goner."

"Do you really think he'll fall for this?"

"Yeah, because he won't be expecting something like this. He'll expect some complicated plot put together by us in order to get him back. This is paranoia 101, Zack. In order to fool your enemy, you have to know your enemy. Now come on, we need to get back before that storm rolls through."

XxXxX

Hodgins bounded up the stairs of the center platform of the Medico-Legal Labs with Zack close by. Booth and Angela stood off to the side leaning up against the railing. "Hey Angela, Booth."

"Hi, Jack," Angela smiled. Hodgins pulled out a pack of gum. He took out a piece, and then offered a piece to the two of them.

"Gum?" Booth and Angela both looked at each other and then reached for the gum.

"I think we have a problem," Zack said. Hodgins turned to look at Zack and then let his eyes drift down to the ground. The pieces of glass were spread on the floor.

"Twiggy."

"Twiggy?" Angela questioned.

"My scorpion."

"Scorpion?" Booth looked slightly terrified. "Scorpion as in a big, ugly thing with claws and a stinger?"

"Yes. Oh, this is bad. Twiggy's an African scorpion, one of the most poisonous species on the planet." Hodgins' began to panic and bent to look under his desk. Zack, Angela, and Booth watched as he dropped to the ground and began to search under equipment frantically.

"Uh, Hodgins, you're actually going to crawl around to look for that thing?" Angela asked. He looked up at him, the panic evident on his face.

"Yes! Now I'd appreciate it if you guys would help me look for him. Check in dark crevices. He'll want to hide." Zack automatically dropped to his hands and knees and began to search. Booth and Angela however, hesitated.

"Dark crevices," Angela repeated. "Um, yeah, you see Jack, I don't do dark crevices. Especially if there's something that may be deadly hanging around."

"That goes for me too, man," Booth said. "Sorry."

"Oh, come on, Twiggy's not that bad. Please, guys?" With a heavy sigh they both nodded.

"Fine," Angela said. "I'll look over there."

"I'll take that-a-way." The two shared a quick glance before heading off in the aforementioned directions. As they began to fake a search, Dr. Goodman stepped up onto the platform, looking for a report left there by Camille. As he glanced over the paperwork, his eyes fell onto the pack of gum. _Doesn't hurt to have a piece_, he thought as he popped one into his mouth. As he began to chew, he noticed Zack and Hodgins on their hands and knees. "Would you two care to tell me what you are doing?" Hodgins and Zack's heads both came up with a snap.

"Dr. Goodman," they said together. They scrambled to their feet and looked at the larger man.

"I'm still waiting, Dr. Hodgins."

"Well, umm, you see," he said, stumbling over his words.

"It's me," Angela said, stepping forward. "I lost an earring and they're helping me look for it."

"I see," Dr Goodman said, his jaw flexing as he chewed. "Well, just make sure…" His words stopped and his eyes grew wide as his stomach churned. "If you'll excuse me." Hodgins, Zack, Angela and Booth watched as Goodman hurried down the platform stairs and out the lab.

"Wow, that was a close one. Thanks Angela." Hodgins let out a brief sigh, before dropping to the floor again. It was Zack's words however that drew his attention.

"Was Dr. Goodman chewing on gum?" Both of their heads snapped to the pack, and noticed that there was indeed a piece missing.

"Oh, we're going to be in so much trouble."

"And why would you be in trouble?" Booth asked.

"The gum," Hodgins said. "It's um… laxative gum." Booth and Angela looked at each other and began to laugh. "What's so funny?"

"Angela, go get…_Twiggy._"

"But…the jar," Hodgins began.

"Was all part of the joke."

XxXxX

Booth looked around the lab and then walked over to Zack. "Hey, Z-man, I have a deal for you."

"Do I want to know?"

"Oh, come on, you were so helpful the last time." Booth watched the conflict in the young assistant's face before Zack settled on an answer.

"What do you want me to do?"

"Well, I figure we need to end all of this joking around, so how's about some water balloons to toss Angela and Hodgins way?"

"But we don't have any balloons."

"Ah, but we do have latex gloves."

Hodgins approached Angela a bit sheepishly before glancing quickly at Booth. He was talking in low tones to Zack.

"Hey Angela, I think they're trying to plot against us. Any ideas on how to avoid it?"

"Oh, I may have a thought or two," Angela began but was cut off by Brennan.

"Who the hell put plastic over Angela's door?" Angela and Hodgins looked at each other.

"Oops."

"Angela, Hodgins, Zack, come here. You too, Booth." The four slowly made their way to Brennan and lined up in front of her.

"What's up, Bones?" Booth asked, his hands behind his back.

"What's up? There's plastic over the toilets, and over Angela's office door. Dr. Goodman went home earlier and I've noticed something has been going on. Now, what is it?"

"Just a little fun, Sweetie," Angela said.

"Fun? Angela this is a lab not a playground."

"Come on, Bones, no harm done."

"No harm? Booth, I'm surprised at you. At all of you." She was too busy fuming to notice the slight movement of the squints and Booth. "I'm going to pretend that you all have been working all day. Now get back to your jobs." Brennan turned and began toward her office. Booth glanced down the line at the squints and smiled. They each pulled out a latex glove full of water. Booth tossed his up and caught it.

"One," he said softly.

"Two," Angela said.

"Three," Hodgins and Zack said, and they all took aim at Brennan's back and threw the makeshift water balloons.

Brennan stood stock still as the gloves hit her, and exploded, releasing the water all over her. The group began to laugh, and as she turned around to kick some scientist and FBI butt, the group took off running, laughing hysterically as they did so. With an angry sigh, she turned and went back to her office. They'd all get it eventually, she'd see to that herself.

* * *

_We now return you to your __regular_ _life..._


	7. Halloween Joking

**A/N: Welcome to another GREAt chapter of 'Real Life'. Goldy and I thought that since we just got through with the Halloween based CBPC that we would give you all our...joint thoughts of the subject. So...on with the story.**

* * *

_October 31, Halloween Night..._

"I don't think this is a good idea." Zack got into the car holding a shopping bag filled with religious candles and a couple boxes of tampons. He pulled up on his monk's robes as he got into the car, making sure they were clear of the door before he shut it.

"Z-man, it's only fair. Besides, we can finally get him back for all those pranks he pulled on us. Don't you want to get even for him drenching you with water?" Jack Hodgins adjusted his hat as he started his mini-cooper. He personally thought it a stroke of genious to dress up at Captain Jack Sparrow for Halloween.

Zack glanced over at Hodgins again, trying not to laugh at how ridiculous he looked with hair extensions and braids. "But if you remember correctly, we pulled pranks on him as well."

"Those don't count," Hodgins said. "Anyway, this will be the ultimate."

"Why?"

"He obviously has a fixation on feminine products, or he wouldn't have asked you to help him with that joke he pulled on Dr. Brennan, and since he's catholic, I happen to think the religious candles are a nice touch." Hodgins grinned evilly. He started the car and pulled out of the parking lot, forgetting to turn on the headlights of his car.

"I just think we're pushing our luck," Zack said. "Agent Booth didn't kill us last time, but when he finds out about this…"

"He'll never know it's us."

"This is Booth. He'll know." Hodgins glanced in the rearview mirror and cursed out loud.

"What? What's wrong?" Zack looked out the rear window of the car and spotted the police car behind them. Hodgins pulled his car over, still cursing under his breath. Both men watched as the cop got out of his car and walked up to the driver's side window of the mini cooper.

Hodgins quickly rolled down the window. "Hello, Officer."

The officer shone his flashlight into the car and took in the pirate and monk. "Did you realize that your lights are off?"

"Um, no sir," Hodgins answered, reaching forward and turning on the headlights. The officer scanned the inside of the car and caught sight of the paper bag on the floorboard between Zack's feet.

"You two boys been drinking?" The officer asked as the beam of his flashlight passed over the bag once again.

"No sir, we would never drink and drive."

"Uh-huh. Let me see what's in the bag." Jack and Zack exchanged looks before Zack picked up the bag and handed it to the police officer. The man looked into it and his eyebrows shot through the roof. "Tampons and religious candles? You wouldn't be planning to use these on a house, now would you?"

"Of course not," Zack said.

"The candles are for Monky boy's grandmother," Hodgins said. "Since we were out, we thought it would be a nice gift."

"And the tampons?"

"My sister." Hodgins didn't miss a beat.

"Your sister?"

"Yes sir, you don't want to argue with her when she gets that way." How Hodgins said it with a straight face, Zack would never know. The officer contemplated the answer, trying to fight the quirk of his own lips. He handed the bag back to the two scientists with a shake of his head.

"Son, I completely know what you mean." The officer stepped back from the car with a nod. "You two have a safe night."

"Thank you officer." Hodgins slowly pulled away from the curb and left the officer walking back to his car.

"That was close."

Hodgins looked over at Zack with a smile. "Close? You're joking. He never suspected a thing."

"Sure, you say that now, but when Booth comes home and finds it decorated, somehow word is going to get back to that cop, and he'll know we did it." Zack crossed his arms and pouted. Jack looked over at his friend before starting to laugh.

"Zack coming up with a conspiracy theory? My little boy's all grown up and saving China." He pretended to wipe away a tear. "Now come on, we have an appointment with Booth's house."

Zack pinched his lips tight. He didn't believe Jack one bit.

The drive to the house was done in silence. It was 11:45 when Hodgins pulled to a stop in front of Booth's house. "Come on, Zack, we have a date to make."

The two got out quietly, paper bag in hand as they crept around the driveway. Hodgins pulled out one box of tampons, and a couple of candles before leaving the others in Zack's possession. The two went to work, tying the tampons onto anything that could hold them, including the lamp post outside the front walk.

"I'm still not sure about this," Zack whispered as he tied his last tampon to a low tree branch.

"Don't worry so much." Hodgins placed the candles on the front porch and then reached into his pocket for a lighter. He quickly lit each one and then backed away from them. "You about done?"

"I've been done," Zack said.

"Good, let's get going before Booth comes home."

"Why isn't Booth here? I would have thought he'd take Parker trick or treating." Zack said in a low voice as the two got back into the car.

"He is an adult, Zack. He's probably at a Halloween party or something." Hodgins couldn't help the grin on his face, especially when he glanced in the rearview mirror and saw the sprinklers going on. Those tampons would get wet and become an expansive problem for the FBI agent.

XxXxX

Booth yawned and wiped the back of one hand over his eyes. After taking Parker trick-or-treating, he had dropped his son off at Rebecca's and then took an old Army buddy up on his invitation to a Halloween Party. After that, he had stopped by the Jeffersonian to see Brennan. It was no surprise to see her working hard. He had convinced her to grab a late night dinner, before heading home. Booth yawned again as he turned onto his street.

As he neared his house, he knew something was wrong, but couldn't quite put a finger on it. Probably just because I'm tired, he thought. As he reached his driveway, he discovered that his suspicion was confirmed. Candles flickered on his doorstep, and tampons were tied to everything. Not only were they everywhere, but they had gotten soaked.

"Those two are dead," he muttered as he pulled out his phone. It was time to bring in the big guns and end this little game once and for all.

* * *

_Okok...so i just had to dress Hodgins up as Cap'n Jack._

_Oh...and can you believe it? Minus the A/N and this bit at the end...this fic is 1111 words._


	8. Gotcha

**A/N: This chapter is very special. As some of you may know, on 16 November 2006, Goldy and I meet up in Reno! We had an awsome time and I can say that niether one of us shut up. She even recorded BONES (since I was traveling and didn't get to see it) and we watched it together on Thursday (scaring my husband half to death because we both yell at the TV). Anyhow, we had a totally great time, learned alot about each other and well, wrote this chapter. Goldy is moving over this week so she won't be around much, but when she gets her internet connection back, this will be her second stop (her first being email). So with that secret revealed, on with the story.**

**Wolfy's Warning: DO NOT ATTEMPT AT HOME! The pranks pulled in this chapter were done by trained professionals on a closed word document. Attempting these stunts in real life may lead to injury, being arrested and/or extreme embarrassment. _Gold Wolf Productions_ can not be held liable.**

**

* * *

**"Okay, we need some two liter bottles of Diet Coke, some Mentos, two thirty-six packs of toilet paper, and I think that's it," Russ said as he went over the list. 

"Do we really need that much toilet paper?" Angela asked, grabbing the Diet Coke from the shelf.

"If his place is as big as you say it is, then yes."

Angela dropped one pack of toilet paper into the shopping cart and then grabbed the second pack. "I still don't understand this need of Booth's to get revenge."

"It's not a need," Russ defended. "It's a…well, it's just something that needs to be done."

"Boys," Angela said, rolling her eyes. Brennan followed quietly before disappearing around an aisle.

"What do you mean 'boys'? Someone has overstepped their bounds and now they must pay."

"Shaving cream," Brennan said as she reappeared. Russ broke into a grin and Angela arched an eyebrow at her friend.

"How on earth would you know anything about toilet papering?"

"Russ used to take me with him to act as lookout."

"Lookout?"

"Yeah, and the one time I didn't go, the police spotted them."

"Tempe might not understand the fun of T'pin'," Russ said, "but she makes one helluva lookout."

"What is that?" Brennan asked as Booth approached with an arm full of black cans.

"Silly String," he answered with a grin.

"Nice," Russ commented. Booth dropped the five cans into the shopping cart and then rubbed his hands together.

"I think we have everything. Lets roll." They took the items to the checkout and as the clerk scanned the items, she looked up at Booth with a smirk.

"You know, you're the second group to come through here for a night out."

"Second group?"

"Yeah, the other was a pirate and a really nervous looking monk." Booth glanced over at his companions and then back at the clerk.

"And when did you see them?"

"Oh, they came through at about ten."

"Thank you," Booth said handing over the correct dollar amount. Each member grabbed a bag and then they made their way out of the store.

"Told you it was them," Booth bragged to Brennan.

"I never said they didn't. I said that you didn't have proof."

"Then why did you agree to help?"

"Because you showed up at my door and Russ got all excited and then you both dragged me out."

"It'll be fun," Russ interrupted.

"Yeah, I'm sure," she said with a roll of her eyes. Angela looked at the two guys with a shake of her head. She had never seen two men more eager to do something than these two were.

"If only men looked like that before sex…" Brennan snorted, which earned her glares from both Booth and Russ.

"It's not our fault men haven't been that eager with you," Russ said before running away as Angela's hand flew up to smack him.

"All right, enough you two. Let's get going so we can get this over with," Brennan yelled at the pair, before climbing into the SUV.

Booth turned onto the tree lined driveway that lead to Hodgins' house. "How do we know they aren't home?" Brennan asked.

"I have it on good authority that they had a party tonight," Booth answered reaching out and turning off his headlights. "But even if they are here, we'll be in and out before the notice."

"Well, lets hope so," Angela said leaning forward. She pointed and said, "That's the car the were in."

"Is this absolutely necessary?" Brennan whispered, as they climbed quietly from the car.

"Absolutely, my little lookout." Booth grinned before smacking her on the rear. She turned to glare at him.

"Just because you got away with that in Vegas doesn't make it okay now."

"Whatever you say, Roxy." Angela looked from one to the other, but knowing that neither would answer, she turned to Russ. He was staring up at the trees lining the drive with awe.

"He has trees."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Brennan asked, looking over at her brother.

"Don't ask questions, Bones," Booth said. "Just step back and let the man work." He handed Russ a roll of toilet paper and clapped him on the back. "Go get'em." Russ looked over at Booth with a sparkle in his eyes and a devilish grin on his face. Before Brennan could ask what the look meant, Russ tossed the roll into the air and the group watched as it fluttered gracefully through the air, arched up over a branch and then floated back down into Russ' hands. He grinned even wider and Booth matched the look before handing Angela the silly string.

"I know you can do something wonderful with this, Angela."

"Don't you know it."

"And what about me?" Tempe asked.

"You get to stand watch and make sure no one spots us," Booth answered before grabbing a few rolls of toilet paper.

Brennan watched as Booth and Russ decorated the trees throughout the front yard. Her eyes darted from the two men to the house, making sure their secret mission was still covert.

"There," Angela said, pulling Brennan's eyes to her. Angela stepped away from Hodgins' car, which was now covered in delicate streamers of pink and blue silly string and a large flower rested on the hood.

"That's not going to ruin the paint is it?" Tempe asked. Angela shrugged as she began to add more string.

"It's just his Mini Cooper. It's not like it's one of the antiques."

"Well I don't want to just stand around."

"Then get the shaving cream and go at it," the artist shrugged. Tempe glanced once at Booth, noticing that he was done with the toilet paper and seemed to be messing with the Diet Coke and Mentos. Well, it couldn't hurt to help a little, would it? After a second's hesitation, she went for the shaving cream.

Booth noticed the movement and followed Brennan as she made her way to an open spot on the driveway. "What are you doing?" he asked, dropping the top of the Diet Coke into his pocket and pulling out a Mentos.

"Thought I would help out some," Brennan replied turning to face him.

"And just what are you going to do?" Booth held the Mentos between his forefinger and thumb and positioned over the open bottle, tilting it away from him incase of accidental droppage.

"I don't know yet," Brennan said, turning away. "I'll come up with something." With that she bent over and shook the can. Booth stared for a moment realizing he was looking directly at her bum and legs.

"Holy Mary, Mother of God," he murmured. His hands shook slightly and he accidentally dropped the Mentos. Before he could utter the phrase 'uh-oh', Diet Coke shot from them bottle, and slammed into Brennan's shapely backside. She gasped in surprise and stood up straight before turning around.

"What was that, Booth?" Premature soda ejaculation?" Angela snickered as she watched Booth glare at her.

"I don't have premature," he started but was cut off by Russ.

"Lights." Booth threw a panicked glance toward the house, then hurried to Brennan, wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her down behind a pair of large bushes. He peeked around to make sure Russ and Angela were out of sight, then sat back on his haunches.

"Isn't this all a little weird?" Brennan asked.

"Sometimes weird just isn't enough," he answered, turning his head to face her. Brennan's own face was inches from his own, and the two stared at each other, only the sound of their breathing was heard. Booth's heart pounded a little harder as Brennan seemed to move closer to him. Instantly the sight of her shapely bottom shot back into his head, and it was all he could do to control himself.

Tempe watched as a look of concentration came over Booth's face. _Why does this seem so familiar_? She leaned in closer to him, their bodies not in contact by mere millimeters.

"Booth?" she whispered. His eyes shifted to her lips.

"Yeah?" He couldn't believe how scared he sounded to himself. _Come on,_ he thought. _Just do it. Just kiss her._

"This isn't going to be like the elevator, is it?"

Booth's face dropped and his eyes snapped up to hers. "For the last time, it wasn't me," he said in a harsh whisper.

"You two can come out now," Angela said as her head popped up over the top of the bush. Booth and Brennan stared at each other for a moment longer before standing and moving around the bush. "The two of you look guilty. Exactly what happened behind those bushes?"

"Nothing. Now let's get this finished so we can get out of here." Booth stalked away. Angela watched him move to the SUV for more Diet Coke and Mentos.

"What's got his panties in a wad?" the artist asked.

"I highly doubt Booth wears women's underwear," Tempe said in response, picking up the shaving cream bottle and beginning again.

Booth and Russ stood side by side admiring their handiwork. "Isn't it a beautiful sight?" Russ asked, as his sister and Angela came to stand beside them.

Tempe cocked her mouth to one side in thought before replying. "Looks like a juvenile mess."

"Then we did our job," Booth answered holding out one fist toward Russ.

"Right on," he said, bumping his knuckles against the agent's.

"I say we get out of here," Angela suggested.

"Yeah. I need a change of clothes," Brennan threw in. The four moved to get in the SUV. Booth gave one more proud look at their masterpiece before starting the engine and driving away.

Hodgins heard something outside on the front lawn, but wasn't sure what it was. With a sigh, he walked through his house toward the front to check it out. Just before stepping outside, he flicked a switch to flood the front yard. The sight that befell him was awe inspiring. Toilet paper was draped like wisps of fog from all of his trees, the white paper strands blowing gently in the breeze. There were soda stains all over the drive, silly string on his car and a message in shaving cream on the ground.

_'Got'cha! B.A.R.B.' _

With a shake of his head, Jack took in the mess. It would be a pain to clean up, but even he had to admit, it was a beautiful sight.

* * *

_Wolfy: Hey, Goldy, do you think people are getting sick of these 'Prank' chapters?_

_Goldy: Umm, well, we have done a lot of them. Maybe we should try something new._

_Wolfy: But they're so much fun to write. And best of all, we don't get in any trouble._

_Goldy: True, but I still think we should write a chapter that doesn't deal with pranks._

_Wolfy: Okay, I guess you're right. No more prank chapters._

_Goldy: Agreed. No more prank chapters. _

_::looks at each other::_

_Wolfy & Goldy together: Until the next one that is..._

_::runs off laughing::_


	9. Forgotten Towel

**A/N: Goldy and I set up a 'date' and this is what we did. We wrote you a chapter. Aren't we just the sweetest, kindest people ever??**

* * *

Booth and Russ sat on Brennan's couch, their shoes beside the door and their feet up on her coffee table. The newly purchased TV was turned to ESPN and both men munched on slices of pizza. "I don't believe it," Booth called out to the TV. "He had control of the football. Anybody could see that."

"No he didn't," Russ commented. "You're just sore 'cause your team is losing."

"I am not. It's obvious. Look at the replay. He had control."

"Whatever, Booth."

"Bad call, ref," Booth yelled out at the television as Russ just snorted in amusement.

"I wonder what's taking Tempe so long in the shower?" Russ asked, tossing a glance over his shoulder.

"Who knows with Bones," Booth answered, his eyes still on the TV screen.

XxXxX

Tempe stood in the shower with her arms wrapped around her naked body. Her hair was dripping down her back and her bottom lip was drawn in between her teeth.

Why hadn't she bothered to check for towels before she took a shower? With a sigh, she shifted her position. The towels were in the linen closet across the hallway. She thought about yelling for one to be brought to her, but she didn't want to do that. Booth would have a field day with that little humiliation. No, she was going to have to get a towel herself.

But how, she thought. She looked down at her dirty clothes but quickly dismissed that thought. Both her pants and shirt was covered in dried soda. Carefully Brennan stepped out of the shower onto the cold floor. _Maybe_, she thought. _I could sneak out and grab a towel without them knowing_. Brennan walked to the door and quietly opened it. A quick peek out confirmed her thoughts that both men were busy watching TV. She saw Russ turn to Booth and point to the TV and she hurriedly closed the door.

That was close, she thought. If I time this just right, then I can be in and out without them knowing a thing. She took a deep breath and turned the door knob. She could hear both of them, with Booth yelling, "In your face," at what she assumed was the television and not her brother. She slowly turned the knob, swinging the door open one more time.

She ran from the bathroom, threw open the linen closet door, grabbed a towel and then turned back. That's when she stopped- frozen in place. Standing at the end of the hallway, holding an unopened bottle of beer was Booth, his eyes wide and his mouth open slightly in shock. Brennan felt her whole body begin to burn with a blush.

Neither could turn away as though their feet were glued to the floor. Brennan knew a look of pure horror was on her face as Booth continued to stare, his mouth opening and closing as he tried to find something to say.

"Dude, what's taking so long," Russ asked as he headed down the hallway. At the sound of her brother's voice, Brennan darted into the bathroom and closed the door.

"What?" Booth asked, turning to face the other man. Russ looked at the agent, then down the hall, and then at the bottle of beer.

"Just how many of those things have you had?" Russ asked, snatching the bottle from Booth's hands and opening it. "You're already all red. Who knew Big, Bad Booth couldn't hold his liquor," he said with a laugh, turning and bringing the bottle to his lips. Booth watched him leave, and the tossed a look back at the closed bathroom door.

Temperance stood against the door, her heart pounding in her chest. Thankfully she'd been able to escape her brother seeing her. It was bad enough that Booth had seen her completely naked. A small smile spread over her face. Since he was so into getting people back for perceived wrongs, then maybe she could use that to her advantage.

Brennan smiled to herself as she dried herself off. _Yes, _she thought. _I can make this work to my advantage._

* * *

_In an effort to listen to our reviewers, we would like to give you, the readers, the power to choose our next chapter. _

_If you'd like for Temperance to see Booth naked, please press one. _

_If you'd like to have her accidentally walk in on Russ, thinking it was Booth, please press two. _

_If you'd like for her to just go to bed embarrassed, please press three. _

_If you want aliens to abduct Booth and for Brennan to suddenly start believing in the Loch Ness Monster, please press four._

_**Disclaimer:** This is NOT a chose your own adventure. We are simply trying to get some input as to what our readers want. Only ONE option will win (the number with the most votes). All other choices will be put back into our muse's file cabinet. Thanks! And remember, the lines will close in 72 hours. So get voting. Only one vote per household, please._


	10. It's Raining Men

**A/N: So, Goldy and I were able to hook up (get it?) and write a little something for you. Consider it a Christmas gift from us to you. The winning vote was for a nekked Booth, and we don't want to disappoint. Just remember, this isn't 'Fruit Juice' and this chapter does NOT change our rating of 'T'.**

**A/N#2: And a MerryHappyHOHO to you, BonesDBchippie. Just remember what I said about that.**

**A/N#3: The song referred to in this fiction is 'The Way You Love Me' by Faith Hill.**

* * *

Temperance glanced quickly up and down the hallway as she fiddled with the lock on her bathroom door. She was glad that Booth had been teaching her a lot of black ops tricks, because jimmy rigging the lock on the bathroom would be easy work. A wicked grin spread over her face as she worked. Booth was asking for it, and she was determined to get him back, both for the incident with the feminine items and also for seeing her naked. How dare he walk down the hallway right then? Couldn't he have waited ten more seconds? Now she was forced into drastic actions. Okay, maybe not forced...but still.

Brennan held her breath, and she bit down on her lower lip in concentration. _Just a little more, _she thought, and a smile spread across her face when she felt the door push open slightly under the pressure of her hand on the knob. She quickly looked up and down the hallway one last time before slipping into the bathroom.

Temperance closed the door quietly, trying not to laugh. Who knew Booth sang in the shower? "If I could grant you one wish, I wish you could see the way you kiss," he sang. Temperance put her hand over her mouth to suppress the building giggles. She had business to get down to. "Oh I love watching you, baby, when you're driving me, oh, crazy." Temperance took a deep breath and slowly crept up to the shower curtain.

The steam from the shower filled the small room, causing the mirror to fog up. Brennan looked at the shower, listened to Booth sing the next line- "Oh I love the way you, love the way you love me,"- and smiled. Slowly she walked to the sink and wrote a note in the moisture. With her smile growing wider she tip toed back to the curtain, lifted her camera to make sure she would get the, err, full view, and waited.

"There's no place else I'd rather be. Oh to feel the way I feel with your arms around me, I only wish that you could see the way you love me."

"Me too!" Brennan exclaimed as she threw open the curtain. Booth turned- stunned that she was in there with him, and even more stunned when the flash of a camera went off.

"Bones, what the hell?" he yelled, pulling the shower curtain back in front of him, so only his head was showing.

"Just a little leverage," Brennan said with a smile and then quickly left the room.

"Bones," he called after her, and then reached for a towel. As he wrapped it around himself he noticed the mirror - Payback is a bitch. "Bones," he called again and left the bathroom, water dripping from his body and hair.

Brennan ran down the hallway to her bedroom, laughing the entire time. The look on Booth's face was priceless. As she paused, gasping, to look at the picture, she could hear Booth in the hallway behind her. "Bones, what was that for?"

"Payback. Payback for everything."

"What are you talking about?" Brennan watched as droplets of water streamed over Booth's wet form. Now's not the time for impure thoughts...or maybe it is, she thought as her eyes traveled down a little farther.

"Well?" Brennan jerked her eyes back up to his.

"For everything. That little prank you pulled with the tampons. And seeing me nude last night. Everything."

"First off," Booth said stepping toward her. "The tampon thing was funny, and second, I didn't mean to see you naked."

"But you did," she countered, taking a step toward him. _I'll be damned if I let him think he can intimidate me._ "And this," she held up the digital camera with his nude picture on it. "Is to make sure nobody ever finds out."

"You're blackmailing me?"

"If that's what you want to call it, then yes."

Booth took another step in toward Brennan. "I think I've told you before, Bones, that blackmail is a federal offense." Not one to be outdone, nor intimidated, Temperance also took another step closer. The two were practically nose-to-nose.

"What are you going to do about it, arrest me for taking a picture?"

"Don't give me any ideas," Booth said.

"Then I'll be happy to enter this picture into evidence for everyone to see."

"You wouldn't."

"Let someone find out about what you saw," Brennan threatened. "And everybody we know gets to see what I saw."

"This isn't funny, Bones, now delete that picture."

"I don't think so. You see, as long as I have it, I have power over your mouth."

Booth decided to use a different tactic. He was obviously getting nowhere fast with this line of argument. "Admit it. The real reason you want to keep the picture is because you like what you saw."

"Booth, what I saw was nothing to write home about."

"Really?" he questioned, his hands going to the top edge of the towel, and he gave a slight tug. "Then maybe you didn't get a good enough look."

"Booth," Brennan warned, her hand flying out to stop his motion.

"What's wrong, Bones? Not embarrassed are you?"

"Of course not," she said. "It's just a human body, nothing that I haven't seen."

"But I bet it's the only living one you've snuck into a bathroom to take a picture of."

"I...You...that's not fair." Brennan put her hands on Booth's as he threatened to drop the towel again. Booth grinned down at her when he saw color rising to her cheeks.

"Not such a master debater now that the tables have turned, are you?"

"Oh. My. God!" The sound of Angela's voice from the doorway made both of them turn.

Brennan jerked her hands away from Booth's and the agent tightened the towel around his waist. "Ange," Brennan began. "This isn't what it looks like."

"Oh, I think it is," the artist said with a smile.

"What's going on?" Russ asked, coming up behind Angela and trying to look around her.

Booth and Brennan both looked like catfish, opening and closing their mouths without sound and the water pooled at Booth's feet only helped to finish the image. "Oh, nothing," Angela said, reaching out to pull the door closed, deciding to spare her friends any more embarrassment. _There'll be time for that later._ "It's just raining men."

* * *

_We know, you all wanted lots of yummy d__escriptions, but we thought we would make you all use your_ _i__magination. After all, it's a_ _terrible thing_ _to waste._ _teehee_


	11. Postage to Where

**A/N: Okay, so we mentioned before that if you gave us a suggestion, we would use it. That being said, this really happened to someone, and for their sake, we won't mention who they are, but upon reading this, they'll know where it came from. Anyhoo, hope you enjoy. Wolfy, do you have anything to add?**

**:Thinks: No, Goldy, I think you covered all the bases. Just that I hope more people share their stories with us.**

* * *

Cam Saroyan shifted in her chair for the third time in as many minutes. She readjusted the magazine she held and tried to finish the article about '10 ways to spice up your love life'. _Who can think of sex at a time like this_, she asked herself. Cam shifted again. _This isn't working_, she told herself, and then tossed the magazine to the nearest table. She stood, walked to the front desk and whispered. "I'm going to the restroom." The woman behind the counter nodded.

"Of course Dr. Saroyan." Cam gave a forced smile and then turned away.

It was the thoughts that the appointment tended to bring to mind that made her uncomfortable. Couple that with the fact that her bladder was screaming at her, and she was uncomfortable all around. It took a minute to find the facilities in the maze of hallways, but she found it none-the-less.

Cam quickly flipped on the lights and shut the door behind her. Not caring what germs could be on the seat, she undid her pants, dropped them and sat down on the seat. A sigh escaped her lips as she relieved her bladder. After what seemed like forever, Cam was sure she was done and reached over for some toilet paper. "Crap."

The dispenser was empty. Wasn't that just the way? After a moment of grumbling, she reached over for her purse and began to dig through it, searching for anything she could use for toilet paper. _Let's see_, she thought as she rummaged through her bag, _makeup compact, checkbook, keys, postage stamps…Why on earth do I have postage stamps in here?_ Finally, her search was successful, and she pulled out a wad of Kleenex, unused, just wadded. "It'll have to do," she mumbled to herself, as she used the Kleenex to carefully dab herself dry. Then she stood, pulled up her pants, refastened them and then washed her hands. Cam left the restroom and began the walk back to the waiting room, where she heard her name being called. _Perfect timing_.

Cam followed the receptionist to the examination room and began to dress in the gown for her appointment. She looked at the table with trepidation. If only the exams weren't so embarrassing. She pulled the gown closed and then hopped up on the exam table. As she waited, her heart began to beat faster. _Why do women have to go through this? _she questioned as the door opened and the doctor and nurse came in. "Just lay back," the doctor said. "And put your feet right here...that's good. Now move down a little."

She scooched her bottom closer to the edge, her legs held apart by the stirrups. Normally the sound of latex gloves snapping didn't bother her, God knows, but in this case, it made her wince. "Let's just take a look, shall we," the doctor said as she was suitably positioned.

Cam stared at the ceiling and tried not to jump when she felt the hands of the doctor touch her. "Umm," she heard him say and felt her heart stop. _That can't be good_, she thought.

The doctor extracted something from inside of her and paused to look at it before showing it to her. There, between his gloved fingers was a postage stamp. "Mailing this somewhere?"


	12. The Perfect Gluteus Maximus

**A/N: So here it is. The long a waited for update!! (okay, maybe not 'long a waited for' but could you at least humor us a little??) Goldy and I both hope you enjoy.**

**Words from Goldy: This chapter takes a bite at well, you'll see.**

**Words for Wolfy: Oh, and a shout out to fireandice226, who sent me a PM last week telling me to, well, basically get my _butt_ in gear and put a new chapter up. If you have something you want to see, or an idea you think would make a good chapter, then please feel free to PM myself of Goldy. Hint-- For this fiction...we like funny (or at least something we can make funny). **

**So that's all from us. We hope you enjoy. And that it's all that you wished it would be. I guess the _bottom_ line is that we write for you, so get reading!**

* * *

Booth scanned in to the medico-legal lab's examination platform, anxious to know whether or not the team had any information on the remains that had been sent. A body had been discovered inside of a sea cave in La Jolla, California and it was obvious that there had been predation on it from sea life. That, however wasn't Booth's concern. He wanted to know if there was any sign of foul play. 

"Okay, so are we looking at murder or not," he asked as he approached the examination table.

Brennan glanced up briefly from the remains, and then dropped her eyes again. "I don't know yet," she told him.

"Then what do we know?" Booth asked, leaning back against the railing and crossing his ankles and then his arms.

"I know that shopping for a new mattress was very...um...interesting on Saturday," Hodgins said from his workspace on the far end of the platform.

"And what does that have to do with the body?" Cam asked, from her position at the end of the metal examining table.

"Well, nothing, but Booth did ask what we know," Hodgins grinned, earning him a groan and an eye roll.

"Fine," Booth said. "I'll bite. Why was mattress shopping such an 'interesting' experience?"

"Well, there I was, trying out some mattresses and in comes this girl in a really short skirt. She could pull it off too, not like those ones that wear them and have rolls hanging over the waistband, you know?"

"Jack," Angela warned, her voice lowering to disapproving.

"No, let him go on," Cam said.

"Yeah," Booth agreed.

"Okay," Hodgins started, rolling his chair closer to the group. "So like I was saying, she could so pull it off. Skinny, legs that went on forever and those boots that came up just over the knees. You know what I'm talking about right, G-man? Anyhow," he went on not waiting for an answer. "There she is with her boyfriend or whatever, coming right at me.

"So I'm just sitting there, contemplating whether or not to drop something on the ground so I can get a peek under the skirt. Well, God must have been smiling at me because just then, she decides to try out a bed by jumping onto it."

"No way," Sully said, from his laid back position in a chair close by.

"Oh, yes way," Hodgins answered with a cheesy smile. "And let me tell ya, a big fat thank you to whoever invented G-Strings. Little pink ones. She hit the bed, her skirt flipped up and I got a full on view of the most perfect butt I've ever laid eyes on."

"See, that's the problem," Angela commented. "You just don't see that many perfect butts on guys."

"Well, that's just because you haven't seen mine," Sully commented. Brennan looked up from the remains and looked at her boyfriend.

"Doesn't matter," the forensic anthropologist said, "It's not that perfect."

Everybody on the platform tried to hold in the snickers, as Sully looked at Brennan with wide eyes for a moment, before moving one hand over his heart. "Doc, I'm hurt."

"I'm just saying that," she began.

"That," Angela interrupted. "In order to be a perfect butt, it must meet certain criteria."

"This ought to be good," Hodgins said.

"First," Angela continued. "It must be a certain size."

"It must have a certain firmness," Cam threw in, pointing to something on the remains for Zack to take a closer look at.

"And nothing like what would be referred to as a 'buddle butt'," Brennan added. Booth sighed and shook his head.

"That's bubble butt. So in other words, a male butt can't look like a girl's butt would?"

"Exactly. The muscular tone of the _gluteus maximus_ must be just enough that it doesn't jiggle when a man walks," Angela said.

"It can't jiggle," Hodgins said. "So no Jell-o. Right."

"So who has a perfect butt?" Zack asked, lowering the tweezers from his line of sight.

"Well," Angela said, moving around the platform, and glancing toward the other two girls. "I think you have a pretty nice one," she said sweetly to Hodgins.

"Just pretty nice?"

"Of the specimens here," Brennan piped in, her eyes focused on a piece of bones. "I would have to say that Booth comes the closest."

"What?" the agent in question asked.

"Oh, I agree," Angela said, grabbing him by the arm a forcing him to spin. "Check out the shape." She grabbed his butt to emphases her point.

"Hey, whoa, there," Booth said, stepping away from the artist.

"It fits nicely in the palm, has just the right firmness when squeezed, and we all know it definitely has no jiggle to it."

"Not to mention the definite muscle tone," Brennan commented. Sully looked at her in surprise.

"When did you see Booth's hind end?"

"I'm just saying that scientifically speaking," Brennan began but was cut off by Zack.

"Speaking of the _gluteus maximus_," the young doctor said. "Our remains seem to be missing theirs."

"Our dead person has no butt?" Sully asked to clarify.

"Yes. Apparently during the predation on these remains, the _gluteus maximus_ was torn off."

"It must have been done by a leopard shark," Hodgins said as he scooted close by to take a look.

"Leopard shark? Why a leopard shark," asked Angela.

"Because, it's a notorious bottom feeder."

* * *

_Oh, come on...YOU know that was funny!!_

_So, we just had to add Sully into this fiction. We did need someone to be the _butt_ of the joke! _

_Oh, somebody stop me..._


	13. Chocolate Cream Pie

**A/N::looks around at all the happy faces:: Goldy and I know that you all are very happy to see a new chapter of 'Real Life' up. We are very happy to bring it to you. There are a few things we would like to tell you before you begin, but since that might give something away, we will tell you at the end.**

**

* * *

**Booth and Brennan sat on the couch at Booth's house watching television and having some dessert. Chocolate cream pie sat on the table in front of them, with a couple of slices removed from it. "Will you stop that," Brennan muttered as Booth flipped rapidly through the channels. 

"Stop what?"

"Doing that? It's giving me a headache."

"Sorry, I'm just trying to find something to watch." He paused for a moment on wrestling.

"I don't get that."

"Get what?" Booth asked, sitting forward on the couch and reaching for another piece of pie.

"Wrestling. I don't get wrestling," Brennan clarified, using her fork to snatch a piece a pie from Booth's plate.

"Get your own," Booth told her holding his plate--and pie out of her reach. "How can you not get wrestling?"

"It's just two people trying to take the other one to the ground. How simple is that?"

"Oh, you think it's simple, do you?" Booth asked. "I used to wrestle in high school, and it's anything but simple."

"You can't tell me there's much thought in it," Brennan said, quickly snatching another piece from his plate when his guard was down. He slapped her hand lightly and again pulled his plate from her reach.

"Okay, Bones, you think it's easy, I'd like to see you get me on my back."

"I'm sure you would Booth," she said.

Booth pinched his mouth into a tight line and screwed it to one side. "Not like that," he said sternly, and then he dropped his voice and said, "But who am I to say no to the lady."

Brennan rolled her eyes, but leaned forward, placed her empty plate on the coffee table, and then stood. "I bet you I can take you down in less than five seconds." Booth matched her movements.

"You're on. Winner gets the rest of the pie." They moved around the table to the open area of the living room and then faced each other.

Booth held his arms out in front of his body slightly, watching Brennan with experienced eyes. His years in the army and his years wrestling had trained him to anticipate movement. Brennan mimicked the stance, her eyes checking over his posture, looking for a weak spot in his defenses.

"You're going down, Booth."

"I don't think so, babe."

"I let that slide once, but don't think I'll do it again." She lunged at him, but he easily sidestepped the motion and ended up directly behind her. Booth couldn't resist, and before he could stop himself, his hand flew out and popped her firmly across her butt.

Brennan swirled around to face him again with a look of utter surprise. "I can't believe you just did that."

"Hey, all fair in love and wrestling," Booth answered. Brennan drew her bottom lip in between her teeth, and scanned over Booth's body again. Noticing that he favored his right side slightly, she threw herself at his left knee, intending to hook her arms around it.

He saw her coming and shifted his stance, grabbing at her. As she caught his knee, he grabbed her waist and hauled her upwards. He realized his mistake as her pelvis was right in his face and she had yet to let go of his knee.

"Okay, let go Bones."

"No! You're going down Booth, you're going down." In an effort to make her loosen her grip, he tickled one of her thighs. Sure enough, she let go to swat at his hand.

"That wasn't fair," she scolded. Booth had to try not to laugh as he flipped her back over a sat her down on her feet. With a gentle shove on her shoulders, he sent her three steps backwards and they both fell into their chosen stances.

"All's fair," he repeated with a grin. Brennan clenched her teeth together and moved to her right. Booth followed suit and soon they had switched positions. After what seemed like hours of staring at each other Brennan made another move that Booth easily avoided, but when Brennan hit the ground Booth dropped his guard and went to her. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"Just fine," she said, grabbing his arm with lightning speed and yanking, causing him to lose his balance. "Never underestimate." Brennan hit him square in the chest, and then the next thing she knew, she was on her back staring up into his chocolate eyes, her hands by her head.

"You took the words right out of my mouth...Babe."

"Booth," she said as she tried to wriggle away from him, "you're treading on dangerous ground right now."

"Oh, I don't think so. See, you're at my mercy right now, and the way I see it, you'd have to comply with anything I want to do."

"Is this all part of the love and wrestling thing?" There was a tone to her voice he didn't like, but it was a little sexy.

"Absolutely."

"Then since you won, what are you going to do?"

She watched as his pupils dilated and a slow, wicked grin spread over his face. "Well, now," he began. "The options are endless." He let his eyes drift from her face, down to her breasts and then back up. Suddenly, Brennan was feeling very helpless. "See, this is what I don't understand."

"What don't you understand?" Brennan asked, again trying to wiggle herself free.

Booth didn't seem to notice. "Everybody thinks you can kick my ass."

"Because I can kick your ass," Brennan said. "I just didn't want to hurt you."

"Uh-huh, I'm sure that's it," Booth agreed.

"Oh, and you don't think I can?"

"As if our little wrestling match didn't just prove it? Granted, you know three types of martial arts, but I was a special ops guy. I can kill someone twelve ways without making a sound."

"I highly doubt that you could even sneak up on me. I know when you're there."

"Oh, is that so?" Booth questioned. "And just how do you know that?"

Brennan suddenly realized what she had said and decided that in this situation the best thing to do was...lie. "You make a lot of noise when you walk." Booth laughed, causing both their bodies to shake.

"You want to try that one again?" _Not really_, she thought.

"Are you gonna get off of me?" she asked instead.

"No," he answered simply. "Not until we settle this."

"Settle what?"

"The challenge."

"What challenge?" Booth rolled his eyes.

"The one you just issued."

"I didn't issue a challenge."

"Yes, you did."

"Did not."

"Did so. I'll wager I can take out you and the squint squad without anyone catching me."

"You aren't supposed to gamble you know." She freed one of her hands from his grasp and began reaching for a chunk of pie off to the side.

"It's not really gambling," he said, carefully watching her hand out the corner of his eyes. "Since there's no way I could lose."

"And just how are you going to take us out?" she asked, her eyes staring into his, willing him not to see her movements.

"Oh, you'll see," he said. "But you can't tell anybody about this."

"And how long is it going to take you?"

Booth thought about the question for a moment. "One week," he answered. "You and the Squints in one week from today."

"And what do I get when I win?"

"What is it that you want?" Again, he flicked his gaze briefly to her hand. She stilled her movements until he turned back to her.

"You have to attend a lecture with me, and take notes so I know you were paying attention."

"That's low."

"Well, you asked for it." She finally grabbed hold of the pie, squishing it slightly as she brought it to the back of his head.

"I know you didn't just do that," he said slowly as the cool chocolate cream began to run along his neck. Brennan didn't even try to suppress the giggle that escaped as she brought her hand to her mouth and put one finger between her lips--gently sucking the pie off. "That's even lower," he said, his voice a soft growl. Brennan's heart stopped when he lowered himself down and brought his lips to her ear. "That's gonna cost you."

An uncontrolled shiver went through Brennan's body. "What?"

Booth readjusted himself, and whispered. "When I win, you have to go one whole weekend without saying anything..._squinty_."

"Squinty?" Brennan repeated, her voice barely there.

"Yeah, no scientific mumbo-jumbo. Just nice, plain, average Joe talk. Deal?" Brennan nodded, not trusting herself to speak. "Good." Then suddenly, Booth jumped up and Brennan got a face full of chocolate cream pie. With that, Booth laughed and headed toward the bathroom, wiping chocolate cream pie from his head. Brennan stood there sputtering. If he thought he'd get away with his little plan, he was sorely mistaken. He couldn't fool her, and she was hell bent on not letting him win.

* * *

_As you can see, this is an open-ending chapter. What that means is the following chapters all play off of this one. Don't worry, you'll get the idea. Just didn't want you to think we didn't finish. Oh, and btw, we are rebuilding our ceral boxes fort as you read. The furbies are all armed with grape slushie shooters and top secret agents we can't talk about are keeping their eyes open. Do not try to throw things at us...or we will be forced to return fire. teehee ::skips off::_


	14. Strike One

**A/N: Hello from the wonderful world of Gold Wolf! The long awaited next installment of 'Real Life' is here. Goldy and I do hope that you like it. I know we had a blast writing it for you. **

**Disclaimer: Just to remind you all, Gold Wolf Productions, Goldpiece nor WolfMyjic owns any part of 'BONES'. Nor do we own or have any rights to the song 'Sexy Back' by Justin Timberlake.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Zack Addy stood in his bathroom wearing only his underwear. He stared at himself in the mirror, leaning close to check what looked like the start of a bump, and then standing straight again. He held his arms up, bent at the elbow, fists tight and flexed his muscles. Then Zack turned his arms down, bringing his fist together near the bottom of his rib cage, and flexed again. He flashed himself a smile, and then turned from the mirror to start the water for a shower. He tested the water, and once he was certain it was just right, he stripped off his underwear and stepped into the hot stream. He grabbed a bar of soap and began washing himself. He bobbed back and forth as he began humming a song, spinning slightly as he danced to the beat in his head. "I'm bringing sexy back. Them other boys donno know how to act."

As he sang, Zack lathered the soap over him, and then reached for his bottle of shampoo. He brought it close to his mouth and sung out, "Dirty babe. You see these shackles, baby I'm your slave. I'll let you whip me if I misbehave. It's just that no one makes me feel this way." He went back to humming as he squeezed some shampoo into his hand, placed the bottle back where it had been and then began working it through his hair--all the while, swaying to the song in his head. "Go ahead child. Go ahead, be gone with it. And get your sexy on. Go ahead, be gone with it." Again he spun, closing his eyes to avoid shampoo in his eyes. He stuck his head back underneath the shower spray, washing away the soap. As he shook the extra water from his hair, he heard a knock at the front door. He stopped his movements, and listened through the spray of water. Again, he heard a knock--an urgent knock. Zack quickly turned the water off, pushed opened the curtain and then reached for a towel.

He was about to dry off when he heard a faint, "Package." Making a snap decision, the young doctor wrapped the towel around his waist and hurried out of the bathroom. He raced across the apartment, slipping on the linoleum. He slid a short way before falling backwards. His towel opened and he scrambled to wrap it around him again as he got to his feet. Again there was a knock at the door.

"I'm coming," he shouted, racing for the door again. Water slid down his body as he ran again, finally making it to the door. He undid the lock and threw the door open only to be met by darkness. Zack looked both ways before deciding that the delivery person must have left. His eyes came to rest on a small package sitting on the porch near the steps. He took a slight step, again looking left and then right, before chancing it and stepping completely out into the night air. He hurried to the box, picked it up and then started back toward the door. Just as he reached where he had previously been standing, his right foot slid out from under him. He landed on his butt, the towel again slipping from his body. He heard a groan from somewhere nearby, but didn't see anyone there.

As his face flushed red, he stood up, grabbing for the towel again. He picked up the package and turned back to his front door. As he stepped one foot inside, someone grabbed him from behind, gripping his hair and forcing his head back. Something slashed across his throat before he was shoved back inside his apartment, the door slamming behind him. Zack couldn't remember if he had screamed or not. All he knew was that his heart was slamming against his chest and his towel was once again on the floor. He quickly pushed himself to his feet, his hand going to his neck to check for blood. Pulling his fingers away clean, and rushed to a nearby mirror and looked at his reflection. A heavy red mark ran from one ear, across his throat and stopping at his other ear. Panic gripped him as he suddenly realized that he could have been killed. The sound of his heart beating flooded his ear when he saw the reflection of the package, lying on the floor. Slowly he made his way back to the package, only the sound of blood rushing in his ears. With a shaky hand, he picked it up, and shook it. There was no rattling, and it was incredibly light. He made his way to the kitchen, reaching for a pair of scissors to slice through the tape. He placed the box on the table, and took a deep breath. Carefully he cut the tape and then pulled back the flaps. His tongue darted out to wet his dry lips as he reached for the contents of the box. It was a single sheet of paper, the writing done in red Sharpy. _You've been struck by the red marker bandit._ The red marker bandit? Again his hand reached for his throat. If this was a threat, then the rest of the team would need to know about it.

_Sometime later, at the lab... _

"What happened to you?" Angela asked as when Zack stormed into the lab.

"Yeah, man," Hodgins threw in. "We got to take away your markers?"

"This," Zack said, pointing to his throat. "Is the work of the Red Marker Bandit."

"The who?" Cam asked, walking up to the small group.

"Is that a new rock band or something?" Brennan called from her place on the center platform.

Zack glared at the team, and handed over the note. Brennan took it to look it over. As she read the words, her phone beeped, indicating she had a text message. She handed the paper to Hodgins, and pulled her phone out. When she saw the message, she groaned. _One down, four to go. B _

* * *

_TBC..._


	15. The Bandit Strikes Again

**A/N: Just when you thought it was safe to go out. Deep in the darkness lurks an evilness who's chocolate brown eyes watch every movement. Able to blend in with the locals and his surroundings, the Red Marker Bandit can strike at any... LOOK OUT!**

* * *

"So Hodgins invited me to that new club opening tonight." 

"You aren't going to go, are you," Brennan said, looking up at her friend. She glanced quickly at Booth, who was standing along the rail, looking over his fingernails.

"Of course we're going. Not everyone can just get in opening night. Good thing for connections right?"

"You know," Booth interjected. "I heard that club has pure gold inlay in the bathroom."

"Really?" Angela asked, her eyes wide. The agent smiled at the eagerness.

"Yup, and there're even rumors that Justin Timberlake is going to perform."

"I need some facial reconstructions," Brennan broke in.

"Oh, no you don't, Brennan," Angela said. "I'll get to them tomorrow."

"Angela, I just don't think it's a good idea for you to go."

"Why? I know you don't like to go to clubs, but that's not going to stop me. See you later, sweetie." Angela offered a small wave and a kiss before heading off to find Hodgins. Brennan and Booth watched her walk away before the forensic anthropologist turned back to Booth.

"Don't you even think about following her." Booth stepped in close to her, trapping her between his arms.

"You heard her, Bones. You have to have connections to get in." He offered her a smile that could only be described as sexy. "Do I look like the kind of guy who has that kind of connections?" Brennan narrowed her eyes at him.

"You look like the kind of guy who is determined," she answered, turning his sexy smile into a full forced charm one.

"Sweet talk won't save your friend," he whispered, then pushed himself away from her, winked and then bounded down the steps--heading toward the door.

Well, Brennan thought as she watched him leave. If he's looking for connections, then maybe I can use some pull of my own. She went to her office to google the recent press, trying to find the name of that club. Perhaps a New York Best selling author can get into that club.

"This place is so cool," Angela shouted over the music, as she swayed close to her date. Hodgins smiled and nodded, his arm protectively around her waist. He didn't like the way some of the other men were eyeing his ladylove. "I still can't believe you got us in."

"Had a friend who knows a man who cashed in on a debt," Hodgins said. Angela's smile widened as they danced their way further into the club. Hodgins stayed pressed up against Angela as they ground their way to the center of the dance floor. Music pounded around them and they got caught in the rhythm of the dancing. Hodgins however had some other things on his mind.

"You don't think that marker guy is gonna try for one of us, do you?"

"Don't be ridiculous, you were the one who said it's near impossible to get in here."

"I know," Angela started, tossing a quick glance around. "But still..." she let the sentence drop. "How about something to drink?" Hodgins nodded, and they made their way to the bar.

Time ticked on and the club got filled to the limits. The DJ gave way to a live band and Hodgins and Angela made the owners a little bit richer. "You want other drink?" Hodgins asked as they moved together on the dance floor.

"One more," the artist replied holding up a finger. "Then dants it." Hodgins agreed. He turned to head to the bar, certain Angela was close behind when one song ended and 'Sexy Back' started to play.

She, however was getting into the beat of the music and closed her eyes as she began to gyrate to the song.

At the entrance to the club, Brennan stepped in, her eyes frantically searching over the patrons, looking for Angela. Although she really didn't think that Booth could get in, she had a feeling he'd use some type of pull to get in here. Her eyes found Hodgins at the bar, but Angela wasn't with him. Damn, where is she, Brennan thought. She pushed her way through the crowd, elbowing and shoving when necessary until a tall guy with sandy brown hair pulled her into his embraced. "Hey darling," he slurred. Brennan pulled back, waving a hand in front of her face, then tried to step out of the guys arms. After two attempts, she was free and shoving her way towards the bar.

"Hodgins, she called out, but the entomologist didn't hear her. With a frustrated growl, she moved in closer, hoping that she could get his attention over the pounding beat in the club. "Hodgins," she tried again. This time the bug man looked around, then shrugged when he couldn't find the source. He stepped away from the bar, two drinks in his hands.

Angela jumped when a hand touched her hips and she felt someone sway behind her. "I'm bringing sexy back," the music blasted and Angela was just buzzed enough not to care who she was dancing with--he was good. The artist pushed back, her hands in front of her, her body rocking to the beat. She felt a hand reach up towards her throat and sweep across it with one quick motion before the dancer moved away. Curious, she reached up to touch where she'd felt his hand, and pulled her hand away, red ink on her fingers. She let out a startled gasp just as Hodgins reached her. When he noticed the red line, he dropped one of the beers in his hand, the bottle shattering on the floor. The people close to them looked but nobody stopped dancing.

Brennan stretched up on her tiptoes and strained to see over the tops of heads. "I'm bringing sexy back," somebody whispered in her ear along with the song. She jumped but hands on her hips kept her from moving. "Two down," the voice whispered in her ear, as the speaker ground with her to the music. Brennan tried to turn around, but her captor tightened the grip. "Get your sexy on." She felt the pressure from hands disappear, a sharp pop across her rear, and then nothing. Brennan spun around, but Booth was gone.

Brennan made her way into the lab the next day, still unsure how Booth managed to be so stealthy. He was a Ranger, granted, but he couldn't be that good after all that time. She hadn't even been able to see him the instant he crept away from her. With a shake of her head, she scanned into the platform to get to work. _This isn't looking so good_, she thought as she reached for a pair of latex gloves. The silence of the lab was broken as Angela and Hodgins came in. "Look at this," Angela squealed, stopping at the bottom of the steps and pointing to her red lined neck. "Just look."

"The Red Marker Bandit got her," Hodgins stated. "You know, I bet it's some kind of government..."

"The government doesn't have anything to do with it," Angela snapped.

"Sorta," Brennan mumbled.

"Hey guys," Booth said, coming into the labs.

"Look, Booth," Angela squealed again, turning to face the agent. "Look at what happened." Booth closed the gap between them. He cupped her cheek, tipping her head back to look.

"The Red Market Bandit," he said softly, letting her go. "This is getting serious."

"Bastard," Brennan muttered as she turned to look at Booth. He looked back at her, one eyebrow raised and his chocolate orbs intense. She had a difficult time holding the gaze.

"I'd have to agree with you, Bones. Who could do such a horrible thing to your team?"

"I wonder," she snarked. Zack arrived shortly behind the others, and noticed Angela's neck.

"He got you too?"

"Yes, and this is really starting to creep me out."

"Have you noticed the pattern here," Hodgins said, his eyes lighting up. "This red marker bandit is picking out the weakest first. Oh, man. Who's next?" Hodgins looked around at the faces. "Maybe Cam?"

"Why Cam?" Angela asked. "Why not you?"

"Come on, Baby," he said, as if that explained it. "I'm a, well, I'm a guy."

Angela crossed her arms. "Yes, but that doesn't mean you're not the next weakest link."

"Listen to you two," Brennan snapped. "You're arguing about who's the weakest link. You should be trying to figure out who's the Bandit."

"Bones is right," Booth said. "I'll put a couple of details outside the labs. I suggest going places in pairs."

"That didn't help Hodgins and I last night, did it? We went to that club together, and I still got hit!"

"Did you stay together the whole time?"

"Um, no."

"Okay then, there's your answer," Booth said as he smiled at Angela. Brennan rolled her eyes and headed off the platform for her office. If she didn't leave now, she'd say something she'd regret and forfeit the game.

"Don't go anywhere alone," Angela called.

"I'll go with her, don't worry," Booth said, smirking as he followed his partner. As he shut the door to her office behind him, she whirled on him.

"You think this is funny, don't you?" she demanded. "You think scaring my team is a game."

"It is a game," Booth reminded her. "A game you helped come up with. If you have a problem with it, then you can give up and nobody else gets hit." Brennan leaned in toward him, eyes narrowed, and then turned from him.

"No thanks," Brennan said softly, rounding her desk to take a seat. She knew that her team was watching through the glass.

Booth smirked and closed in on her. He put his hands on the arms of her desk chair and leaned down. Temperance gulped lightly and leaned back, trying to maintain distance.

"That's my girl, never one to give up. I'll see you at the end of the week, babe."

"Don't call me babe," she snapped, causing Booth to laugh. Her cheeks went red, as he leaned closer, his breath fanning across her face. He opened his mouth to say something, but changed his mind. Instead, he repeated, "End of the week," then stood up, backed away, gave her a wink and then left the office.

* * *

_So, who do you think will be next??? Cam or Hodgins?_


	16. Alien Abduction

**A/N: The Red Marker Bandit is back!! Not really much more to say.**

* * *

Jack Hodgins padded through his house toward the living room. He was dressed in lounge pants with alien heads on them and a black T-shirt with white letters that read _It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you_. In his hands, he carried a plate with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a side of cheese puffs. Hodgins entered the large yet cozy room, plopped down on the couch and then hit play on the remote control to start _Spaceballs_ back up. "What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?" Dark Helmet was saying on screen. Jack grinned. This was always his favorite part of the film. 

"Now, everything that's happening now is happening now."

"But what happened to then?"

"We passed it."

"When?"

"Just now."

"But when will then be now?"

"Soon." Jack couldn't hold back the laugher that escaped him, quickly putting a hand to his mouth to keep in his bite of sandwich. The hand moved from his mouth to wipe at his eyes and then he reached out for his beer. Watching a movie by himself wasn't his idea of complete fun, but since Angela had a girlfriend in town, at least _Spaceballs_ made the best of it. Hodgins popped a cheese puff into his mouth then snapped his head around when the buzzer for the front gate sounded. He paused the film and got up to check the gate monitor. There was no one there. With a shrug, he moved back toward his couch when he heard it buzz again. Curious, he looked at the monitor again, and still there was no one there. The hairs on his neck began to stand on end. The only place that buzzer could be accessed from was the front gate, but clearly there was no one there. That was bad. Hodgins stared at the monitor--determined to catch whoever was playing with his buzzer. Just some teenager, he told himself, and then gave a satisfied nod. As he waited for the culprit, his eyes searching the gate and surrounding area, the buzzer sounded again, causing Hodgins to step back. "No freakin' way," he said aloud. Leaning closer to the screen, he jumped when the clear picture suddenly became static. Oh man, not good. This is not good. He moved from the monitor, backing away as quickly as he could. It was like his nightmares all over again. Someone was trying to abduct him...or maybe it was aliens, and that's why he was having equipment failures. Call him a conspiracy buff, ha! This would show them. But what if it wasn't aliens? His heart began to pound and he tried to shake off the uneasy feeling that had overcome him.

_Easy_, man, he told himself. _Nobody can get inside this place_. Even as the thoughts ran through his mind, he was looking around--searching. The lights flicked off and Hodgins had to bite his tongue to hold back his scream. With his arms held out before him, he slowly made his way to where he kept a flashlight, cursing when he hit his little toe against a table leg. His fingers were searching for the table when suddenly his room was filled with "You see these shackles, baby I'm your slave. I'll let you whip me if I misbehave." Hodgins groaned--he hated that song. Finally, he made his way to the cupboard that held the flashlight. He grasped around in the dark until his fingers closed around it. Gulping, he flicked it on and made his way to the radio, turning it off. The room was deathly still, and goose bumps erupted all over his arms. He tensed as he heard a loud squeak from a floorboard. Spinning, he shone the light in the direction of the sound, but there was nothing in the shaft of light. Heart pounding, he began the trek to his security room. "Just a power outing," he said to himself, ignoring the fact that his TV was on--_Spaceballs_ playing in the background. He walked down the hall, making a left before the kitchen, and that's when he froze.

Just as his light fell across the far end of the new hallway, a shadow disappeared around the corner. "There's nobody there," he said aloud. "Nobody." Still, his feet refused to carry him any further. Again, a floorboard squeaked, and the scientist spun around, hoping to catch the intruder--although he was not sure what to do if he did. A noise in the distance made Hodgins tilt his head to hear. Is that..."Children laughing?" He heard the giggle again. What was it about the laughter of children that was so creepy? And why hadn't he listened to Booth and stayed with Angela? Why? Because this place was supposed to have better security than Fort Knox, that's why. With a gulp, he moved toward the sound of the squeaking floorboard once more. His heart pounded and he could hear the rush of blood in his ears. Something brushed against his foot and he let out a high-pitched scream. He quickly dropped the flashlight beam to the floor, but found nothing. He put his free hand to his heart, and let his eyes flutter shut briefly. Turning around, Hodgins started toward the security room again. He carefully made his way down the hall, putting his back flat against the wall once he made it to the corner. He took a deep breath, then slowly peeked around the edge. Nothing. With a sigh, he started down the new hallway. He jumped once as the whir of the air conditioner came on, and quickened his pace down the dark hallway.

"Jack." The disembodied voice seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at once. The entomologist spun in a circle, his eyes wide with fear. As the beam of light from his flashlight circled wildly, nothing ever appeared. "Jack." The voice sounded again.

"Just my imagination," he answered to the voice.

"Jaaack." Hodgins clenched the flashlight until his knuckles turned white.

"There's nobody there," he said, backing down the hall. "Nobody." He let out a loud scream when his back collided with something, causing him to jump and spin around. He gave a nervous laugh when he realized it was the door he had been searching for. He quickly punched in the correct numbers on the keypad and pushed the door open. He closed it just as quickly behind him and locked it. The lock was automatic, so unless the power failed completely no one would be able to get in here. He breathed a sigh of relief before flicking off the flashlight and turning to the monitors. The room glowed blue from the light on the screens, a welcome relief to the earlier darkness. On the monitors were different areas of the house, and Hodgins felt safe after seeing that everything looked normal. That is until the screens began to flicker. "Damn it." Hodgins reached out and hit one of the monitors, hoping to get it to come on, but it only went out completely, along with every other screen. "Great." Suddenly, two monitors glowed back to life and Hodgins gasped. On one was Zack, the other Angela. Before his eyes, a red mark slowly appeared across their throats.

"Jaaack." He screamed, loud. He couldn't help the tears that burst forth from his eyes and he looked around helplessly as all power went out. This was it. He was dead. The earlier hits were obviously an attempt to scare him, warn him that he was dead. If you made threats against the lives of your friends and loved ones, it only meant that you were next. Hodgins heard the door to the security room open and close, but couldn't see a thing. Footsteps sounded deliberately on the floor, closing in on his location.

"Please, whatever it is you want, I'll give you, just don't kill me, please." Hodgins swung out in the darkness, hoping, praying that he would make contact. He had to fight, but as he blindly jabbed, he felt an arm come around his shoulders, and the quick slash across his neck. Hodgins let out another scream, his hands going to his throat and him to his knees. Tears freely rolled down his cheeks. He could feel something sticky and cold on his throat, but it wasn't flowing. He heard footsteps retreat and the door open and close. Just then, the lights came back on along with the monitors. Shakily, Hodgins moved over to a glass covered cabinet and looked at his reflection. A red line stretched across his throat from one ear to the other. There were also words written onto the glass...You've been struck by the red marker bandit.

XxXxX

Brennan pulled her car to a stop, silently cursing the person who had taken her spot. It would be the day she had an arm full of groceries that she would be forced to park at the far end of her parking lot. She shut off the engine, and then opened her door. She quickly gathered the bags from the back seat, closed the door, hit the button to lock the car and started toward the front door. Brennan had only taken a few steps when she stopped, suddenly aware of somebody following her. She gave a quick glance around, and upon seeing nothing, continued on her way. "You know, it really isn't safe for you to be alone in dark places so late at night." Brennan whirled to face the sound of the voice and found herself staring into the chocolate brown eyes of Seeley Booth. She frowned at the smirk that graced his lips. He'd been up to something.

"I don't think I need to worry." Booth's smirk turned into a full power smile.

"You mean, you aren't worried about the Red Market Bandit?" Brennan gave him a raised eyebrow in question.

"Should I?" Booth took a step toward her, and reached out and brushed his fingers along her cheekbone. Brennan gulped as he stepped closer to her. They were almost nose to nose.

"Hodgins didn't seem too worried before tonight." Booth winked before freeing her of the grocery bags.

"What did you do?"

"Wouldn't you like to know? Let's just say I fed into his fantasies a little bit." Brennan looked over at her partner, curious to ask more, but Booth only smirked and walked away. He looked back over his shoulder at her. "Aren't you coming, or are you standing around the parking lot all night?"

* * *

_counts on fingers Let's see, 5 Squints...Three 'dead'...Two more to go. ::insert evil laugh::_

_**UPDATE sometime after first posting:** Aly the Spy pointed out that 'evil laugh' is getting old, and that after a vote from her friends, she is switching to 'maniacal laugh'. Which is good, but not really us. So, to spice things up again please take out the 'evil laugh' from above and ::insert Goldy's giggles and Wolfy's insane titters:: Mendenbar, you nailed it!!_


	17. Placing Blame

**A/N: Under the cover of darkness, through the deep woods, small animals scurry away as Goldy's giggles and Wolfy's insane titters shatter the silence of the night. For once, the sounds are combined, creating terror throughout the cyber world. Do I really need to say more??**

* * *

Cam was not sure why she felt as though someone was watching her, but the feeling was there nonetheless. As she looked over the remains from their latest case, she had the overwhelming sensation of eyes on her. Maybe it was because she was alone on the platform, but she just could not shake it. After a few minutes, she finally looked up from the remains to take in her surroundings. There were security guards in their office, as well as two posted by the stairs of the examination platform. Above the platform, the catwalk was empty. Huh, she thought as she returned her attention to the remains. I'm probably just a little tired. As she leaned in closer to inspect a particular area of interest, chills ran down her spine causing her to once again straighten up and scan the lab. Drawing her brows together, Cam pulled her bottom lip in between her teeth and tried to will the odd sense away. Finally, she put down the tool in her hand, pulled off her gloves, and tossing them away left the platform.

She made her way to her office, intent on finishing some paperwork. Maybe that would help eliminate the sensations. As she reached her doorway, a voice startled her, and it took all of her control not to jump out of her skin.

"Dr. Saroyan, I'm glad you're here. I have some reports for you to sign so I can get them to Agent Booth," Zack said as he hurried up to her. She took a deep breath before taking the reports from the young doctor.

"Thanks Zack, I'll get these back to you in a couple of minutes." She watched Zack walk away from her, before taking a deep breath and then pushing the door to her office open. She let it close behind her and made her way to her desk. Dropping the reports, Cam sat down in her chair. She sucked in another deep breath and then blew it out. Sitting for a moment, she tried to clear her mind, sweeping away the thoughts being watched. "Get it together, Cam," she said to herself, reaching for the reports and pulling them to her. She quickly signed her name, barely reading what the papers said. After the fifth report, Cam suddenly stopped, the chills again rolling down her back. Keeping her head down, she slowly lifted her eyes, but the hall outside her glass walls was empty. "Just my mind playing tricks," she reassured herself before continuing. After the last report, she carefully placed them in a stack and pushed them to the edge of the desk. Sitting back in her chair, she let her eyes focus on the hall outside. If somebody was there, she was going to catch them.

She watched the activity as it began to increase. Angela and Jack soon joined Zack on the platform, their flirting obvious even from a distance. There was only one person missing from the group, and that was Dr. Brennan. Where was she, Cam wondered, creasing her brow. The good doctor was usually in the lab before she herself was. Curious, Cam got up from her desk and headed for the forensic anthropologist's office. She poked her head into the office and did a quick sweep of the room. Brennan was not there.

"What are you doing in my office?" The question took the pathologist by surprise and she let out a small gasp.

"Dr. Brennan, where have you been?" Brennan looked Cam up and down as she walked passed her and into her office.

"I was in the records room looking up something for our case. Why?" Brennan sat down in her chair, her legs crossed, and waited for an answer.

"I was just wondering," Cam lied. Brennan lifted one eyebrow.

"Did you need me for something?"

"No, not really."

"Then if you'll excuse me," Brennan said, pulling closer to her desk and reaching for a folder. Cam watched her for a moment and then left the office.

"Weird," Cam said as she made her way through the lab. Deciding that getting away from her team and the Medico-labs might be best, she walked out of the sliding glass doors, into the hallway and turned toward the break room. Maybe coffee, despite the possible effects of the caffeine might be good right now. She ran a hand over her hair and took a deep breath as she entered the staff room. The quiet away from the main area of the lab was much better for her nerves. She made her way to the coffee machine and grabbed a mug from the cabinet as the prickly feeling returned to her neck. There was someone watching her, she just knew it. Before turning, she concentrated on it, realizing the feeling was much more familiar, something she'd gone months without feeling. With a smile, she turned around to find…no one. "Odd," she said, moving to the door and sticking her head out. She looked one way and then the other and saw no one. "I could have sworn," she began but let it drop, with a shake of her head. Cam made her way back to the machine. She carefully made her coffee, and then sat down at one of the small tables. She brought the warm liquid to her lips, let it fill her mouth and sighed as the coffee slid down her throat. Suddenly the air in the room became electrified and she sat down her mug. "Booth," she called out. "I know you're there."

"Sorry, Dr. Saroyan," Hodgins apologized as he stepped into the room. "Were you expecting someone else?"

"No," Cam said, feeling slightly embarrassed. "It's just been a…long day." Hodgins gave her a look that clearly said he did not believe her, but silently got a mug of coffee and left the room. The day was getting strange. She knew someone was watching her, and it had to be Booth. She knew what it felt like for his eyes to be on her. If he wasn't around, then why was she experiencing this? With a sigh, she finished her coffee and got up to leave the break room. Well, she thought, I guess I should make a trip to the bathroom before going back to my office. She made her way through the halls, finding them quieter than she thought they should be. Frowning, she looked around again. There was no one there in the hallway. Cam rubbed away goose bumps as she continued along, getting more spooked as the feeling intensified.

Carefully she pushed open the door the to restroom, and quickly scanned the small room--she even bent over slightly and checked under the stall walls to make sure nobody was in there with her. When she was satisfied that she was alone, Cam walked further into the restroom, chose a stall and began to go about her business. She listened for the door to open, but the sound never came. Once done, she walked out of the stall, and picked a sink. Staring at her wide eyes in the mirror, she reminded herself that nobody was with her. Nobody. "Dirty babe," she sang in a shaky voice. "You see these shackles, baby I'm your slave." She forced a smile and then dropped her eyes to the sink and began washing her hands. After shutting the water off, Cam reached out for a paper towel and let out a strangled yip. In the reflection of the mirror was Brennan. "God woman, don't do that."

"Are you okay today Dr. Saroyan, you seem somewhat jumpy."

"I'm fine, and I'd appreciate it if you'd quit sneaking up on me."

"I haven't snuck up on you. I came in here to grab some paper towels."

"Well, I'd appreciate it if you'd leave me alone for the rest of the day. Just stay away from me." Brennan's eyes grew large as she looked at her boss.

"And if I need to speak to you about the case?"

"Just call me on the phone, okay? Now, if you don't mind…" Camille stepped around Dr. Brennan, her heart still pounding. She left the bathroom trying to shake off her nervousness.

Back in the bathroom, Brennan stared at the door with a shake of her head. If she was going to protect her boss from a Booth attack, then she could not just leave her alone. No, she would have to take up residence on her couch. It was the only place in her office that she could keep an eye out for Booth and see into Dr. Saroyan's office at the same time. With her new plan of counter-attack worked out, Brennan quickly grabbed a handful of paper towels in case Cam was watching and left the restroom. She made her way through the labs, and into her own office. She grabbed a few folders from her desk and then sat down on her couch. Turning sideways, she arranged her work in her lab and then glanced out her window to make sure she had a clear view of her boss. Satisfied, she set about her work.

Moments ticked by with no activity of interest, when Brennan's office door swung open causing the doctor to sit bolt up. Panic hit her when she realized that she had fallen asleep on post--something she was sure Booth would have never done. She quickly turned toward her opened door to find a marked Cam staring at her. "What happened?"

"I was hoping you could tell me that," Saroyan demanded, pointing to her throat.

"Well, it looks at if you've been struck by the red marker bandit," Brennan replied, kicking herself for not being able to stop the attack on her boss.

"Obviously. But what I don't understand is how you managed to get a hit on me."

"I did nothing of the sort."

"Really? Then what are you doing with that marker in your hand?" Brennan looked down, realizing for the first time that she held a red sharpie. She was going to kill Booth when she next saw him.

"I was looking over reports and marking errors for correction. What else would I do with this?"

"I don't know," Cam said taking a step further into the office. "Maybe attack your co-workers?"

"And why would I do that?" Brennan asked, standing from the couch.

"Then explain why you're the only one who hasn't been hit?"

"I don't know, maybe I'm just more aware of what's going on around me." Cam crossed her arms, anger apparent on her face.

"I just think it's too much of a coincidence that we all have red marks and you have the marker."

Brennan gathered up the folders that she had pushed onto the couch and then advanced toward her boss. "I don't have time to stand here being accused of something that I didn't do," she said. "I need to meet Booth to go over these reports." She brushed past Cam before the other woman could say anything else. Booth would pay for this.

XxXxX

Booth looked up and smirked as Brennan stood in his doorway, red marker in hand. She looked furious, but really, it was worth it. When he had stopped by the Jeffersonian earlier and found her asleep on her couch, the temptation to leave the marker with her was too much to resist.

"Can I help you Bones?"

"That was the most low-down, dirty thing you could ever have done. Ever."

"Really," he asked as he stood up and advanced toward her. Brennan's eyes flashed as she made her way entirely into his office and shut the door behind her.

"How could you have set me up like that? It wasn't fair and it's against the rules."

"Oh, it wasn't against the rules at all. The only rule we set was that I have a week to 'get' you and your team without being caught. I can't help it if I'm that damned good." He finally reached her, placed a hand on each side of her body and leaned in. "I'm good at other things too." Brennan slapped the marker into his chest.

"It still wasn't fair." Booth could not keep the laughter that escaped his lips.

"I thought it was pretty dang clever myself," he said. "Cam had me pegged one too many times today. I had to do something to get her off my trail. You playing bodyguard was too perfect to pass up."

"I hate you," Brennan said. "You know that right?" Booth offered her his best smile.

"Ah, but one day you'll feel different." The low timbre of his voice as he said the words rolled through Brennan and she closed her eyes for just a moment, willing her mind away from things she needn't be thinking. "Besides, you don't even know how easy I've gone on you."

"Easy? How do you figure that?" It took all of her willpower to keep her eyes on his.

"I decided that it just wouldn't be fair to shorten the game by getting you at the dance club, though I must say you can get down with the best of them." Brennan had no response because she knew he was right. That didn't matter now.

"Well good luck in the future, because you will not get the opportunity again."

"I live for the challenge," he smirked as his hand closed over hers and the marker. "And I can't wait for the weekend we'll get to spend together because of it."

Brennan allowed him to keep hold of her hand for a moment longer, before pulling it away. "Yes," she answered. "The lecture about the History of Sexual Activity throughout the Western World should be quite fun." With that, she turned from him, leaving his office in silent victory.

* * *

_Okay, so does anybody remember what number squint we're on???_


	18. Perhaps the Last Kill

**A/N: In the dark of the night, the bandit will find you, in the dark of the night just before dawn...Revenge will be sweet when the bet is complete...**

**Warning: This chapter is a strong 'T' rating. **

* * *

Temperance sat on her couch wearing a smirk as she looked at a very disgruntled Booth. She told him he wouldn't be able to get her, and she'd been right.

"I'm sure you'll enjoy that lecture Booth, after all everyone needs to know more about sex in western culture. You never know, you might even learn a thing or two."

Booth gave a loud snort, as he readjusted himself in his seat. "You haven't won the bet yet," he pointed out, folding his hands and cupping them behind his head.

"No," Brennan said, looking down at her watch. "But it eleven thirty-eight, and we're sitting in my apartment, and I'm fully awake."

"Yeah, but that gives me twenty-two minutes to come up with a plan. Don't worry, I'll be gentle."

"You should know now Booth that I don't do gentle." She smirked as she looked at the aghast expression on his face. This was going to be too much fun. "You want anything to drink?"

Booth licked his tongue over his teeth before nodding. "Yeah, sure," he answered. "A beer would be nice." He watched as Brennan lifted herself off the couch and then walked past him and into the kitchen. While her back was to him, he made his first move. When she returned, he offered her a wide smile, and patted the spot next to him on the couch. "Not afraid to sit by me, are you?" Brennan swallowed hard but offered a wide smile.

"Of course not," she said, walking toward him and taking a seat. "Why should I?"

"Well, you know, after our wrestling match I was worried you might think that I was too dangerous to sit next to. I could after all get you on your back." Brennan sat down next to Booth and leaned in over him, a smile on her face.

"Well, you haven't been able to live up to your end of the bet."

"That's what you think."

Booth took the offered beer, twisted the cap off and then brought it to his lips. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw Brennan mimic his moves, and for a spilt second, he wished that he were her beer. He quickly shook the thought away, and then placed his bottle on the end table. "So tell me, Bones, how are you going to handle a whole weekend of no squint talk?"

"You still think you're going to win?" Brennan asked, leaning forward to place her bottle on the coffee table. "You've only got seventeen minutes left. And if you haven't noticed, my eyes are completely open and I'm awake."

"Yeah, I've noticed," he said, leaning closer to her. "But I can make you close your eyes and given the right situation, I can make you tired."

At that she laughed. "I'd like to see you try it."

"You know me, I'm always up for a challenge." Booth leaned in closer and the timbre of his voice dropped. Brennan gulped as his lips hovered near her own. She had to fight the urge to close her eyes, and put her hands on his chest to keep her grasp on reality.

"Booth," she said, her voice barely a whisper. "I don't think..."

"Then don't," he answered, his voice low and raspy. He dropped his eyes to her mouth and then slowly brought them back up to her slowly closing eyes. With a smile, that he had proven his point, he started to move away, but when Brennan leaned toward him, his body seemed to overrule his mind, and without thought, he closed the distant between them--settling his lips to hers with a gentle touch. He was surprised that she was responding as she wrapped her arms around his neck and drew him closer. This kiss was way more than he actually intended to give her, but he couldn't stop, not now.

Brennan couldn't believe she was kissing her partner, but it just felt right. She nibbled gently on his bottom lip, pulling it between her teeth to suck on it. He groaned and slowly pulled her onto his lap for better access to her. With Brennan straddling Booth's legs, it gave him access to her body. His hands roams down her sides and found their way under her shirt, drawing a sharp breath from her as his fingers touched bare skin. Brennan buried her own hands into his hair-- to tilt his head back so she could deepen the kiss. Booth ran his hands up her back and then gently dragged his nail down the skin, causing her to shiver. "You know," Brennan said, peppering his mouth with kisses between each word. "It's after midnight." Booth never stopped his movements, as he wrapped his arms around her waist and flipped her to her back.

"Don't care," he confessed, his lips sliding across her jaw line.

"Although...I must confess...oh that feels good...that you probably...don't...need...that lecture." She gasped as he slid his tongue across her throat, leaving a moist trail.

"Is that a get out of jail free card," he murmured as he began to slide her shirt up her abdomen.

"Mmmmmm, Booth," she moaned under his ministrations. Brennan felt her body react to Booth's ever touch. The tingle of his hands, the pressure of his body, the wetness of his kiss. _Wetness?_ The thought floated around somewhere in her mind, but she couldn't quite understand why it stuck out. She shifted her position, and her brain started to whirl alive. _Wetness._ Again the word floated through her head, and Brennan forced her eyes to open. It took a moment to recognize what was in front of her. Booth sat on her coffee table with a triumphant smirk on his face. He held up a mirror and looked at her, his eyes twinkling. Brennan looked at her reflection and gasped. There, across her throat was a red line.

Booth titled the mirror slightly and Brennan could make out the clock behind her--eleven fifty-eight. The agent didn't say anything as he put the mirror down, stood, and then leaned down to her. Whispering in her ear he simply said, "That must have been one hell of a dream." With that, he straightened, turned and left the apartment. As the door to her apartment closed, Brennan launched a pillow at it, hitting it squarely where Booth had been only moments before. Muttering, she made her way to the bathroom to wash off the red line. She was in no way looking forward to whatever it was Booth had planned for her.

* * *

_Oh man, you all should have seen the looks of your faces. ::laughes:: Did you really think we would let Booth and Brennan make out?? I mean, come on, people... ::laughes harder and holds side:: Oh, that was priceless..._


	19. You want what?

**A/N: The long awaited 19th chapter is now up (as you can see, since you are here). Goldy and I FINALLY caught each other on line and even had enough time to write something. We hope you like and that it brings a little chuckle to you life.**

* * *

Angela lends closer to the mirror and reapplied her red lipstick

Angela leaned closer to the mirror and reapplied her red lipstick. She double-checked the rest of her makeup and then stepped away and took in her full image. Her red dress was intended to draw attention, even if she wasn't looking for anything more than a dance or two. Her black thigh boots gave her legs an even longer appearance, and she had pulled her hair back to give herself a clean, youthful look. The artist took a deep breath, and then smiled. She couldn't believe it was her best friend that suggested they go out this evening, and even mentioned that they'd take Booth along to make sure that any unwanted attention stayed that way. The idea seemed nice, especially since they were planning to go to her favorite club for some drinks. Angela put her lipstick away, gave her reflection a nod, and then left the restroom to head back to Booth and Brennan. She had just come back into the main room of the club, when she noticed a guy checking her out. She took him in out of the corner of her eye, smiled at what she saw, and then continued on her way.

"Here Ange, a little something for you," Booth said when she finally reached the table. He handed her a drink and clinked her glass with his before they both took a drink. Brennan watched the two of them for a moment and looked back out at the teeming crowd on the dance floor.

"I think we should join them out there, especially you Angela. You've seemed upset recently."

"Oh, I'm not sure if I'm in the mood to dance right now."

"Yes you are," Brennan said, grabbing her friend's hand. "You dressed me up in this dress..."

"Which looks very good on you," Booth interrupted, stopping at the look his partner threw him.

"And now you're going to dance," Brennan went on, pulling Angela with her to the dance floor. Angela knew it was pointless to argue. When her friend got something in her head, there was no changing her mind. She did have to admit though that the beat of the music was catchy, and without realizing, she was already moving to the rhythm. Maybe Bren was right after all. She needed this. The two women danced together, both laughing, and Booth kept a close eye on them both, especially Brennan in her black mini dress.

"Thanks, Bren, I really needed this," Angela said with a smile.

"You would do the same for me."

"Yeah, I would and have, and as I recall that didn't go so well."

"Hello, ladies," a voice said, drawing their attention. Both women turned to see who was talking to them. The man was tall and well built, but seemed a bit smarmy with his partially unbuttoned shirt and gold chains dangling around his neck.

"Hey yourself," Angela said as she moved closer to Brennan. Maybe if they pretended to be lovers he'd leave them be. However, the sight of them dancing together made the man smile even wider.

"You ladies here…ya know, together?"

"You could say that," Angela said, grabbing Brennan's hand. "Excuse us." They started back toward the table, hoping that the sight of Booth would scare the guy away, but to their horror, the Special Agent wasn't there.

"Yeah? You into that sort of thing," He said as he moved in closer, the press of bodies around them making escape impossible. Angela was mentally cursing the fact that Booth made Brennan swear not to take out anyone who made unwanted advances.

"Listen, we're kinda here with somebody," Brennan put in. "And he'll be back in a minute."

"I bet you are," the man said with a smile. "Just tell me who and how much." Brennan and Angela looked at each other with blank eyes. Then they both began to understand what the guy meant. A smirk graced Angela's face and she tightened her grip on Brennan's arm before the auburn haired woman could say anything to contradict the man's assumption. The artist ran a hand down the guy's arm making a note to scrub her hands thoroughly a little bit later.

"Honey, you couldn't afford us, but individually, we might be able to make a deal." Brennan looked at her friend, shocked at what she was implying.

"Ange!"

"I'm listening," the man said.

"Well, normally I wouldn't do this, but, ya know, our guy lets us play favorites from time to time." By now, Angela had caught sight of Booth returning to the table. "You see that guy over there? Go tell him your plan and he'll work out a good deal for you."

"Really?" the man asked.

"Oh yeah," Angela answered, and then licked her lips for effect. The man looked over them both one more time before he smoothed a hand over his gold chains. Angela's smile grew wicked as she watched the man saunter over toward where Booth sat at the table.

"I can't believe you let that man think we're prostitutes. Do you have any idea how Booth will react?"

"Oh yeah," Angela said. "I know exactly how Booth will react. Just like that." Brennan turned in time to see Booth lay a fist across the man's face and the guy hit the floor. A smile spread over the anthropologist's face as she and Angela watched Booth bodily remove the man from the bar.

"Yeah, that's what I thought too."


	20. Keeping abreast of the situation

_A/N: The awsome team of Goldy and Wolfy is back! In an action packed new chapter of this FICTION! Ok, maybe not 'action packed' but trust me...it's funny. Hope you all enjoy!_

* * *

"Cannibalism," Doctor Temperance Brennan said as her and her partner got out of the FBI issued black SUV.

"Do I even want to know," Agent Seeley Booth questioned, pulling his coat close against the cold Sierra Nevada mountain air.

"The Donner party was heading to California when they took part in cannibalism after a record snow fall trapped them here in this pass," Brennan explained in a voice that said she had figured everybody knew that piece of history.

"Yeah, okay Bones, I know who the Donners are. They had their little party out here, served finger foods, that sort of thing. What does that have to do with the remains we're here to look at?"

"That was in bad taste Booth, finger foods..." Brennan shook her head as the pair headed down a trail to the crime scene. Booth just rolled his eyes.

"Oh, so now you're going to give me the cold shoulder?"

"You don't think it's odd that remains just suddenly appeared under the plaque on the Donner monument?"

"What I think is weird," Booth commented, "is that people can eat another person."

"Perfectly normal. Evidence has even been found in Chaco Canyon."

"In where?" Booth asked. "Never mind. The point is that it's wrong."

"Booth, just because we have a set of mores that make the devouring of human flesh a taboo does not mean that other cultures share that point of view. Besides, until you're in a situation where consuming flesh is your only option, you can spout whatever you want. The Aztecs believed that by eating the eyes of their enemy, they could absorb their power and knowledge."

"Look, all I'm saying is that if someone wants to turn me into a rump roast or an open faced sandwich, I'd put up a fight, okay?"

"Well, don't you eat the flesh of Jesus during Communion?"

"Hey," Booth said, stopping in his tracks. "What have I told you about leaving Jesus out of it?"

"I'm just saying."

"Just," Booth interrupted. "Just get the Squints on the line."

"Booth, you've got to learn to have an objective conversation without getting so offended," she responded as she pulled out her cell phone. Brennan dialed the Jeffersonian, putting the call on speaker phone once the line was picked up. "Your church believes that they are devouring the flesh and blood of Jesus Christ whenever they have communion. How is that any different than a culture consuming actual flesh?"

"Bren, are you attacking Booth's beliefs again?"

"See?" Booth said. "Angela gets it."

"What I get," the artist said, "is that a pissy Booth is never a good thing."

"Why are we talking about Jesus anyhow?" Cam asked.

"Because we're talking about cannibalism," Brennan explained.

"Cool," Hodgins answered excitedly.

"Cool, nothing," Angela said. "It's creepy."

"Exactly," Booth responded. Brennan sent him a disgruntled look as she stepped under the police caution line Booth lifted for her. "It's creepy, and Catholics are not cannibals."

"Can we get on topic please," Cam asked of the group. Booth looked at the remains laid out underneath an enormous rock with a plaque on it. The remains looked to have been chewed on by something.

"We were merely discussing the fact that it's somewhat ironic that human remains were discovered at the site of the Donner party tragedy," Brennan said as she started her examination.

"How would you figure out who to eat?" Hodgins suddenly asked, earning him a death glare from Angela.

"I would guess whoever was the sickest," Cam answered off handedly.

"But what if no one was sick?"

"The weakest," Brennan answered.

"Are we actually discussing this," Booth asked, looking around to see whether or not any of the state troopers at the scene were listening in.

"But if it was the weakest, then wouldn't they be a bit I don't know....stringy," Angela asked.

"The weakest person does not necessarily mean less body fat. In actuality, you'd want at least a ten percent fat content to make the flesh more palatable."

"Palatable?" Booth repeated.

"Yes," Brennan replied. "Palatable. Which means that you don't have anything to worry about Booth. You would be least likely to be eaten."

"I feel better about that I guess. But if it's a low fat count then how would you be any less tasty than me? You're so thin."

"Thin?" Brennan questioned. "I'm far from thin and you would have to take into account breasts. Making Cam, Angela or myself a good candidate."

"I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with Booth thinking about my breasts," Angela put in.

"Would you rather him think about pie," Hodgins asked, making Booth groan.

"Oh, Booth likes pie," Brennan said, finally able to contribute. "His favorite is cherry pie."

"Sweetie, that's not exactly the type of pie that Hodgins was referring to." Brennan scrunched up her face as she thought about the question.

"Then are you more comfortable with him thinking about pie than breasts?"

"No sweetie, that's not why it makes me uncomfortable," Angela responded. After a brief pause, she began to speak again. "So Booth, who would you eat? Which one of us would be a tasty treat to you?"

Booth sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Can we please just, you know, look at the body?"

"Sure, but that doesn't answer the question," Brennan said, turning her attention to the remains.

"Yeah, Booth," Cam piped in, her voice dripping with half-hidden laughter. "Who _would_ you eat?"

"Well since he's already had Cam that would leave....Ow!" Hodgins never finished the sentence as the resounding smack of Cam's hand to the back of his head sounded over the phone line.

"Pushing the line there Dr. Hodgins."

"I don't see how Booth having a sexual relationship with Cam has anything to do with whom he who eat, or pie for that matter," Brennan said, confusion on her face.

"What he meant, sweetie," Angela began and then thought better of it. "Forget it."

"Did I miss something?" the doctor asked, looking at Booth.

"You missed that it looks like the remains have been burned," Booth pointed out.

"I didn't miss it, I just haven't pointed it out yet."

"Wait," Hodgins interrupted. "The body has been burned? Like roasted?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Well maybe they were planning to have baby back ribs, or a weenie roast with toasted buns."

"That's it," Booth said, throwing his hands in the air. "Just text me when you're done." With that he walked away, leaving his partner looking after him.

Later, when the remains were examined and packed for transport, Brennan rejoined Booth at the SUV where he stood bundled against the wind and a petulant look on his face. Neither said a word as they got in the vehicle and headed back toward Reno and their much warmer hotel. As they drove, Brennan turned to look at her partner, a question burning across her mind. After being stared at for over a minute, Booth finally turned to look at Temperance.

"What?"

"So who _would you _eat?"

XxXxX

Cullen looked at the agent sitting in front of him, a bandage over his left eye and one arm in a sling.

"So that's how my car got wrapped around the tree."

"Ah, well that's... unfortunate Agent Booth. Dr. Brennan is okay I hope."

"Yes, sir, she's fine. Just a small cut."

"You know, Agent Booth, that is an interesting story, but are you sure that's your official statement?"

Booth thought for a moment and then replied, "this large as a cat squirrel ran right out in front of me."

"That's what I thought," Cullen answered. "You may go." Booth stood, gave a nod to his boss and started toward the door.

As his hand touched the knob he heard Cullen ask, "So...who _would_ you eat?" A loud groan filled the office as Booth left the room, shutting the door behind him.


End file.
